HUMOR FROM THE WORLD WIDE WEB
PAGE FOUR
The Three Little Pigs
Jack And The Beanstalk
Snaps!
More Snaps!
Courtroom Gaffs
Gross Jokes
Love Arkansas Style
Peta Commandos
Things To Ponder
The Origin of English Phrases
These are from Politically Correct
Bedtime Stories:
Little
Red Riding Hood
There once was a young person named Little Red Riding
Hood who lived with her mother on the edge of a large wood. One day her mother asked her to take a basket
of fresh organic fruit and mineral water to her grandmothers house -- not because
this was womyn's work, mind you, but because the deed was generous and helped
engender a feeling of community.
Furthermore, her grandmother was not sick, but rather was in fully
physical and mental health and was fully capable of taking care of herself as a
mature adult.
So
Red Riding Hood set off with her basket through the woods. Many people believed that the forest was a
foreboding and dangerous place and never set foot in it. Red Riding Hood, however, was confident
enough in her own budding sexuality that such obvious Freudian imagery did not
intimidate her.
On
the way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood was accosted by a wolf, who asked
her what was in her basket. She replied,
"Some healthy snacks for my grandmother, who is certainly capable of
taking care of herself as a mature adult."
The
wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk
through these woods alone."
Red Riding Hood said, "I find
your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of
your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has
caused you to develop your own, entirely valid, world view. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be on my
way."
Red
Riding Hood walked on along the main path.
But, because his status outside society has freed him from the slavish
adherence to linear Western-style thought, the wolf knew a quicker route to
Grandma's house. He burst into the house
and ate Grandma, an entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as
himself. Then, unhampered by rigid,
traditionalist notions of what was masculine or feminine, he put on Grandma's
nightclothes and crawled into bed.
Red
Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you
some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you in your role of a wise and
nurturing matriarch."
“Thank
you, dear.”
“Grandma,
what big eyes you have!”
"They
have seen much, and forgiven much, my dear."
"Grandma,
what a big nose you have -- only relatively, of course, and certainly
attractive in its own way.
"It
has smelled much, and forgiven much, my dear."
"Grandma,
what big teeth you have!"
The
wolf said, "I am happy with who I am and what I am," and leaped out
of bed. He grabbed Red Riding Hood in
his claws, intent on devouring her. Red
Riding Hood screamed, not out of alarm at the wolf s apparent tendency toward
cross-dressing, but because of his willful invasion of her personal space.
Her
screams were heard by a passing woodchopper-person (or log-fuel technician, as
he preferred to be called). When he
burst into the cottage, he saw the melee and tried to intervene. But as he raised his ax, Red Riding Hood and
the wolf both stopped.
'And
just what do you think you're doing?" asked Red Riding Hood.
"You
burst in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your weapon to do your thinking for
you!' she exclaimed. "Sexist! Speciesist! How dare you assume that womyn
and wolves can't solve their own problems without a man's assistance!"
When
she heard Red Riding Hood's impassioned speech, Grandma jumped out of the wolfs
mouth, seized the woodchopper-person's ax, and cut his head off. After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma,
and the wolf felt a certain commonality of purpose. They decided to set up an
alternative household based on mutual respect and cooperation, and they lived
together in the woods happily ever after.
Once
there were three little pigs who lived
together in mutual respect and in harmony with their environment. Using materials that were indigenous to the
area, they each built a beautiful house.
One pig built a house of straw, one a house of sticks, and one a house
of dung, clay, and creeper vines shaped into bricks and baked in a small
kiln. When they were finished, the pigs
were satisfied with their work and settled back to live in peace and
self-determination.
But
their idyll was soon shattered. One day,
along came a big, bad wolf with expansionist ideas. He saw the pigs and grew very hungry, in both
a physical and an ideological sense.
When the pigs saw the wolf, they ran into the house of straw. The wolf ran up to the house and banged on
the door, shouting, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"
The pigs shouted back, "Your
gunboat tactics hold no fear for pigs defending their homes and culture."
But
the wolf wasn't to be denied what he thought was his manifest destiny. So he huffed and puffed and blew down the
house of straw. The frightened pigs ran
to the house of sticks, with the wolf in hot pursuit. Where the house of straw had stood, other
wolves bought up the land And started a banana plantation. At the house of
sticks, the wolf again banged on the door and shouted, "Little pigs,
little pigs, let me in!'
The pigs shouted back, "Go to
hell, you carnivorous, imperialistic oppressor!"
At this, the wolf chucked
condescendingly. He thought to himself:
"They are so childlike in their ways.
It will be a shame to see them go, but progress cannot be stopped."
So the wolf huffed and puffed and
blew down the house of sticks. The pigs
ran to the house of bricks, with the wolf close at their heels. Where the house of sticks had stood, other
wolves built a time-share condo resort complex for vacationing wolves, with
each unit a fiberglass reconstruction of the house of sticks, as well as native
curio shops, snorkeling, and dolphin shows.
At the house of bricks, the wolf
again banged on the door and shouted, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me
in"
This
time in response, the pigs sang songs of solidarity and wrote letters of
protest to the United Nations. By now
the wolf was getting angry at the pigs' refusal to see the situation from the
carnivore's point of view. So he huffed
and puffed, and huffed and puffed, then grabbed his chest and fell over dead
from a massive heart attack brought on from eating too many fatty foods.
The
three little pigs rejoiced that justice had triumphed and did a little dance
around the corpse. Their next step was
to liberate their homeland. They
gathered together a band of other pigs who had been forced off their lands.
This new brigade of porcinistas attacked the resort complex with machine guns
and rocket launchers and slaughtered the cruel wolf oppressors, sending a clear
signal to the rest of the hemisphere not to meddle in their internal affairs.
Then the pigs set up a model socialist democracy with free education, universal
health care, and affordable housing for everyone. The End.
Please note: The wolf in this story
was a metaphorical construct. No actual
wolves were harmed in the writing of
this.story.
Once upon a time, on a little farm, there lived a boy named Jack. He lived on the farm with his mother, and they were very excluded from the normal circles of economic activity. This cruel reality kept them in straits of direness, until one day Jacks mother told him to take the family cow into town and sell it for as much as he could.
Never mind the thousands of gallons of milk they had stolen from her! Never mind the hours of pleasure their bovine animal companion had provided! And forget about the manure they had appropriated for their garden! She was now just another piece of property to them. Jack, who didn't realize that non-human animals have as many rights as human animals-perhaps even more-did as his mother asked. On his way to town, Jack met an old magic vegetarian, who warned Jack of the dangers of eating beef and dairy products.
"Oh, I'm not going to eat this cow," said Jack.
"I'm going to take her into town and sell her."
"But by doing that, you'll just perpetuate the cultural mythos of beef, ignoring the negative impact of the cattle industry on our ecology and the health and social problems that arise from meat consumption. But you look too simple to be able to make these connections, my boy. I'll tell you what I'll do: I'll offer a trade of your cow for these three magic beans, which have as much protein as that entire cow but none of the fat or sodium."
Jack made the trade gladly and took the beans home to his mother. When he told her about the deal he had made, she grew very upset. She used to think her son was merely a conceptual rather than a linear thinker, but now she was sure that he was downright differently abled. She grabbed the three magic beans and threw them out the window in disgust. Later that day, she attended her first support group meeting with Mothers of Storybook Children.
The next morning, Jack stuck his head out the window to see if the sun had risen in the east again (he was beginning to see a pattern in this). But outside the window, the beans had grown into a huge stalk that reached through the clouds. Because he no longer had a cow to milk in the morning, Jack climbed the beanstalk into the sky.
At the top, above the clouds, he found a huge castle. It was not only big, but it was built to larger than-average scale, as if it were the home of someone who just happened to be a giant. Jack entered the castle and heard beautiful music wafting through the air. He followed this sound until he found its source: a golden harp that played music without being touched. Next to this self-actuated harp was a hen sitting on a pile of golden eggs. Now, the prospect of easy wealth and mindless entertainment appealed to Jack’s bourgeois sensibilities, so he picked up both the harp and the hen and started to run for the front door. Then he heard thundering footsteps and a booming voice that said:
"FEE, FIE, FOE, FUM, I smell the blood of an English person! I'd like to learn about his culture and views on life! And share my own perspectives in an open and generous way!"
Unfortunately, Jack was too crazed with greed to accept the giants offer of a cultural interchange. “Its only a trick” thought Jack. "Besides, whats a giant doing with such fine, delicate things? He must have stolen them from somewhere else, so I have every right to take them." His frantic justifications remarkable for someone with his overtaxed mental resources revealed a terrible callousness to the giants personal rights. Jack apparently was a complete sizeist, who thought that all giants were clumsy, knowledge-impaired, and exploitable. When the giant saw Jack with the magic harp and hen, he asked, 'Why are you taking my belongings?"
Jack knew he couldn't outrun the giant, so he had to think fast. He blurted out, "I'm not taking them, my friend. I am merely placing them in my stewardship so that they can be properly managed and brought to their fullest potential. Pardon my bluntness, but you giants are too simple in the head and don't know how to manage your resources properly. I'm just looking out for your interests. You'll thank me for this later."
Jack held his breath to see if the bluff would save his skin. The giant sighed heavily and said,
"Yes, you are right. We giants do use our resources foolishly. Why, we won't even discover a new beanstalk before we get so excited and pick away at it so much that we pull the poor thing right out of the ground!"
Jacks heart sank. He turned and looked out the front door of the castle. Sure enough, the giant had destroyed his beanstalk Jack grow frightened and cried, "Now I'm trapped here in the clouds with you forever!"
The giant said, 'Don't worry, my little friend. We are strict vegetarians up here, and there are always plenty of beans to eat. And besides, you won't be alone. Thirteen other men of your size have already climbed up beanstalks to visit us and stayed."
So Jack resigned himself to his fate as a member of the giants cloud commune. He didn't miss his mother or their farm much, because up in the sky there was less work to do and more than enough to eat. And he gradually learned not to judge people based on their size ever again, except for those shorter than he.
Here are excerpts
fro the books “Snaps” and “Triple Snaps”
by James Percelay,
YOUR MAMA IS SO FAT..
If she bent over they could show a double
feature on her ass.
Every time she goes to a barbecue, they
put an apple in her mouth.
When I got on top of her I burned my ass
on the light bulb.
Your mama is so fat her mailbox says ‘Home
of the Whopper’
The highway patrol made her wear a sign
saying CAUTION! WIDE LOAD.
Your mother is so fat her butt looks like
two pigs fighting over a milk dud.
When she rides the bus they charge her
double fare.
Your mother is so fat she puts on lipstick
with a paint roller.
When she walks down the street there IS no
other side.
The only time she sees 90210 is on the
scale.
Her yearbook picture was an aerial photo.
Your mama is so fat she carpools by
herself.
Her double chin looks like my ass.
When she tried computer dating it matched
her up with
Your mama is so fat she goes to a
restaurant, looks at a menu, and says, “Okay.”
When she eats at McDonald’s you can see
the numbers change.
Your mama is so fat the weather service
gives names to her farts.
Goodyear rents her out for the Super Bowl.
She’s not on Slim Fast, she’s on Slim
Chance.
Your mother is so fat she’s on BOTH sides
of the family.
She has her own area code.
She puts on high heel shoes in the
morning, and by the end of the day, they’re flats.
Your mama is so fat she can’t wear X
jackets because helicopters keep landing on her back.
When she goes to a restaurant she doesn’t
get a menu, she gets an estimate.
Even her clothes have stretch marks.
Your mother is so fat the landlord took
one look at her and doubled the rent.
When she puts on a raincoat she looks like
a school bus.
Your mamas butt is so big, they call her
ass fault.
Your mamas butt is so big, when toilets
see her coming they put OUT OF ORDER signs on themselves.
Your mother is so fat, she went to a salad
bar and pulled up a chair.
Your mother eats so much, she gets more
runs than a pair of stockings.
YOUR BROTHER IS SO
STUPID
When the judge said “Order in the court,”
he said, “I’ll have five chicken wings and some fried rice.”
The closest he’ll get to a brainstorm is a
light drizzle.
He tried to get a job picking cotton
candy.
He thinks a two-income family is when your
daddy has two jobs.
Your brother is so dumb, he thinks fruit
punch is a gay boxer.
He listed his parole officer as a job
reference.
When his girlfriend told him to do it
doggy style he lay down in the driveway and licked his balls.
He says he doesn’t use toothpaste because
none of his teeth are loose.
He saw a sign that says FINE FOR
PARKING, so he parked.
Your brother is so dumb he thinks Manual
Labor is the President of Mexico.
When I told him he stepped in manure, he
said, “No shit!”
He lost his job as an elevator operator
because he couldn’t remember the route.
Your brother is so dumb he got caught
cheating on his blood test.
He thinks ping-pong balls are a Chinese
venereal disease.
He thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone
company.
When the judge said “Order in the court,”
he said, “I’ll have five chicken wings and some fried rice.”
Your brother is so dumb he picked HIMSELF
out of a lineup.
He thought a lawsuit was something you
wear to court.
Your brother is so stupid, I asked him if
he was gay and he said, “No, but my boyfriend is.”
He has only one thing on his mind and he
can’t even remember what that is.
He failed a taste test.
Your brother is so dumb he thought Beruit
was a home run hitter.
It takes him an hour and a half to watch
60 minutes.
Your brother is so dumb he tripped over a
cordless phone.
He went to an L.A. Clippers game to get
his hair cut.
Your brother is so dumb he though TLC was
a sandwich at Blimpe’s.
When I told him to go to the store for two
heros, he brought back Batman and Robin.
Your brother is so dumb he sat in a tree
for a week so he could call himself a branch manager.
When I saw him jumping up and down and
asked why, he said, “I took some medicine and forgot to shake the bottle.”
Your brother is so dumb he though O.P.P
was a miracle drug.
He dialed information to get the number
for 911.
Your brother is so dumb he got stabbed in
a shoot out.
He went to the library to get a book of
matches.
When I told him he lost his mind, he went
looking for it.
Your mama is so dumb I told her we needed
gas, so she farted in the car.
She went to the baker for a yeast
infection.
When I told her to go to the store to buy
a color TV, she said “What color?”
YOUR MOMA IS SO
UGLY
When she entered an ugly contest they
said, “Sorry, no professionals.”
They use her at the zoo to stop monkeys
from jerking off.
The last time she got a piece of ass was
when her hand slipped through the toilet paper.
The last time I saw something like her it
was walking on a leash.
When she goes to the zoo she shows a
MEMBERS ONLY card.
Your mama is so ugly when she was born
they threw her away and kept the afterbirth.
When she walks in a bank, they turn off
the security cameras.
The only way she could get laid is by
crawling up a birds ass and waiting.
Your mama is so ugly the doctor is STILL
smacking her.
She went into a haunted house and came out
with a job application.
Your mama is so ugly her parents named her
Shit Happens.
Your mama is so ugly, her nickname is
‘Damn’.
If ugliness were a crime, she’d get the
electric chair.
Your mama is so ugly she went outside and
got indecent exposure.
The only makeup that could help her is
vanishing cream.
When she was born the doctors were fined
for having an animal in the building.
You’re so ugly, you had to pay a hooker
extra for opening her eyes during a blow job.
Your mama is so ugly she has to sneak up
on the mirror.
She doesn’t have to worry about birth
control, her face does just fine.
If ugliness were bricks, your mother would
be a housing project.
Your mother is so ugly, when she moved
into her new apartment, the neighbors chipped in to buy her curtains.
When she sits in the sand, cats try to
bury her.
Your mama is so ugly her doctor is a
veterinarian.
If God don’t like ugly, then you know
she’s going to hell.
You’re so ugly, every time your mother
looks at you she says, “Damn, I should have just given head.”
Your mama is so ugly, she could make an
onion cry.
If ugliness were an album, your mother
would go platinum.
She’s like Taco Bell, when guys see her,
they run for the border.
Your mother says she’s pretty and young,
but she’s as old as dirt and got hair on her tongue.
Your brother is so hairy, people call him
Nabisco because the hair on his back looks like shredded wheat.
YOUR SO POOR
Bums give YOU money.
You put free samples on layaway
They ask for ID even when you pay cash.
When you found two boxes you said, “Now I
have a two-story house.”
Your family is so poor they go to Kentucky
Fried Chicken to lick other people’s fingers.
Your family is so poor your TV only has
two channels - on and off.
Your father is so poor, when I saw him
kicking a can down the street and asked him what he was doing, he said,
“Moving.”
YOUR HOUSE IS SO
SMALL
When I asked to use the bathroom, you
said, “Pick a corner.”
There’s no room to complain.
When I came inside and dropped a
cigarette, the roaches came out and said, “Thank the Lord, we got heat!”
Your house is so small, it came in a
Monopoly game.
There are so many roaches in your house,
you should make them sign a lease.
Your house is so poor, they tore it down
to put up a slum.
Your house is so nasty, the rats and
roaches filed a complaint with the Board of Health.
YOUR MOTHER IS SO
OLD
She remembers the
She knew Chubby Checker when he was Slim
Jim.
Your mother is so old she knew the Honey
Comb Bear when he was a Chicago Cub.
Your mother is so old her social security
number is one.
Your mother is so old, her birth
certificate says “Expired.”
Your mother is so old, when David killed
Goliath she ran to get the cops.
Your grandmother is so old, when I told
her to act her age, she died.
MISCELANEOUS SNAPS
Your sister’s breath is so bad, she makes
money on the side peeling paint.
Your sister’s pussy is so stank, it was
condemned by the board of health.
Your breath is so bad, you don’t need to
carry mace.
Your sister is so short, she has to stand
up to go down.
Your sister is so short, she has to stand
on her toes to kiss my ass.
Your sister is so short she could work as
a teller in a piggy bank.
Your brother is so short you can see his
feet on his drivers licence.
Here
are some more Snaps from one of James Percelay, Monteria Ivey, and Steven
Dweck’s “SNAPS” books:
You’re mother is so lose, after sex, she
asks, “Are you boys all on the same team?”
Your girl is like a twinkie - Always
pumped full of cream
I could have been your daddy, but the guy
in front of me had correct change
Your mother’s like a hardware store - Ten
cents a screw
Your mother is like railroad tracks -
She’s laid around the world
Your mother has so many cocks going into
her I had to double park on her ass for an hour
If dick sucking were a business, your
sister would be in the Fortune 500
Your mom is so loose she coughs sperm
Your mother’s idea of world peace is
giving everyone on the planet some ass
Your sister is so lose, when I asked her
if she ever did 69, she said, “No, but I did 70 once.”
Your mother is like a cake - everyone gets
a piece.
Sometimes the funniest things lawyers say
aren't meant to be jokes. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers
were taken from official court records nationwide. They were compiled by a
client of the
Was that the same nose you broke as a
child?
Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a
person dies in his sleep, in most
cases he just passes quietly away and
doesn't know anything about it until
the next morning?
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, "I have to kill you
because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
Was it you or your brother that was killed
in the war?
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old
is he?
Were you alone or by yourself?
How long have you been a French Canadian?
Do you have any children or anything of
that kind?
Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you
recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was
taken?
Were you present in court this morning
when you were sworn in?
Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first
marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are
now?
A: I'll be three months on Nov. 8.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception
was Aug. 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are
emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed
suicide?
So you were gone until you returned?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?
You don't know what it was, and you didn't
know what it looked like, but
can you describe it?
Q: You say that the stairs went down to
the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Have you lived in this town all your
life?
A: Not yet.
A
Q: Do you recall approximately the time
that you examined that body of Mr.
Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy
started about
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time,
is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the
table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy!
These are some
excerpts from the book “Unspeakably Gross Jokes -
Volume 20”:
WATCH YOUR
LANGUAGE!
An 80 year old man told his family he was
going to marry a younger woman. His son said, “Do you realize that marrying a
woman of eighteen could be fatal?”
The old man considered the problem then
said, “Well, if she dies, she dies.”
What did Pee Wee Herman say to Madonna?
“Damn! When I did that I got arrested!”
Daughter: Mommy, where do babies come
from?
Mother: well, sperm from Daddy fertilizes
the egg from Mommy, and the baby grows in Mommy’s tummy.
Daughter: How does the sperm get into
Mommy? Does she swallow it?
Mommy: If she wants a new diamond, she
does.
Did you hear about the dwarf that got
fired by his female boss?
He kept getting in her hair.
Why do brides smile so much on their
wedding day?
Because they know they’ve given their last
blow job.
How can you tell when a Jewish American
Princess has an orgasm?
She drops her nail file.
Once Jason wandered into his parents’ room
when his father was buck naked. Looking at his father’s privates, he asked,
“Daddy, what’s that?”
Jason’s father proudly told him, “That’s
my penis. In fact it’s the perfect penis.”
The next day, Jason was walking to school
with little Michelle, and said, “C’mere. I want to show you something.” In the
bushes, Jason dropped his pants and showed Michelle his pecker.
“What’s that?” asked Michelle.
“That’s my penis,” said Jason. “In fact,
if it were two inches shorter, it’d be the perfect penis.”
Why do WASP women have so many wrinkles on
their faces?
From squinting and saying, “Suck what?”
I know a girl who lives on the hill,
She won’t fool around, but her sister
will.
I know a guy from
The crabs run races on his balls.
I know a girl named Buffalo Jill,
She won’t fool around, but her
I know a guy, his name is Bruce,
He blows his wad when the juice is loose.
I know a girl in
She sure knows how, but she don’t wanna.
An elderly couple on a fixed income was
having trouble making ends meet. “Dewey,” said Mabel, “I’m afraid there’s only
one thing we can do. I have to sell my body on the street.”
“If that’s what must be done, then God
forgive us.”
That evening Mabel went out on the town.
Dewey sat up until
“How did you do?”
“I made five dollars and ten cents.”
Dewey was aghast. “You’ve been out all
night and all you got was five dollars and ten cents? Who in the hell gave you
ten cents?” asked Dewey.
“Everybody.”
What’s 6 inches long, has a head on it and
drives women wild?
A hundred dollar bill.
Three guys were on a cruise ship when it
began to sink.
The first guy yelled, “Women and children
first!”
The second guy shouted, “Fuck the women
and children!”
The third guy said, “Do we have the time?”
Why did the politician give up masturbating?
It got out of hand.
What do peanut butter and Madonna have in
common?
Both have been spread and eaten by just
about everyone.
What’s a premature ejaculator?
A 9 year old boy.
What do you get when you get when you
cross and Apple and a Jewish woman?
A computer that won’t go down.
What happened to the professor that was
screwing his students?
He wound up with a couple of dilated
pupils.
What did the old lady say when her husband
had his first erection in thirteen years?
“Now that you’ve got the wrinkles out,
this might be a good time to wash it.”
Why did the man get all dressed up for his
vasectomy?
He said, “If I’m gonna be impotent,
I want to look impotent.”
What is sixty-eight?
“You suck me and I’ll owe you one.”
Why did the woman kiss her husband good
night on his pecker?
Because his breath was terrible.
What did the gay man said when the
arresting officer asked him who his partner was?
“Do you think I’ve got eyes in the back of
my head?”
How do you pick up a gay man at a bar?
“May I push in your stool?”
How can you tell that Superman was gay?
Because he got into
Did you hear about the gay whale?
He went up to a submarine, bit off it’s
tail, and sucked out the seamen.
Why don’t congressmen like bookmarks?
They prefer bending over pages.
I’m gonna beat my meat on a toilet seat,
Bang my twang with the rest of the gang,
Stroke my yoke before I smoke,
Yank my crank and then call Frank.
Why should you be gay if you want to be a
dentist?
Sooner or later, you’re going to have to
put your tool in another man’s mouth.
Did you hear about the gay sitcom called,
“Leave it, it’s beaver”?
What do you call a bouncer at a gay bar?
A flame thrower.
Two homosexuals were out driving when they
got into an accident with a trucker.
The gay driver began to apologize, but the
trucker was furious. “Fuck you!” he yelled at the two men.
The gay man said to his buddy, “Go ahead,
he wants to settle out of court!”
Why don’t gays whisper in each other’s
ears?
They don’t want to get hearing AIDS.
A gay man went into a deli and asked for a
stick of salami. The butcher asked, “Do you want that sliced?”
The man said, “Does my ass look like a
piggy bank?”
Three gay men were in a tub together when
some semen rose to the surface. The three guys looked at each other for a
moment, until one of them finally said, “All right. Who farted?”
Why did Pee Wee Herman decide to be his
own lawyer?
So he could get himself off.
Why didn’t Pee Wee Herman get convicted?
The evidence wouldn’t stand up in court.
What goes into thirteen twice?
Woody Allen.
Have you heard about Woody Allen’s new
movie?
It’s called “Close Encounters with the
Third Grade.”
What were Joan of Arcs last words?
“Is it me, or is it really hot in here.”
What were Socrates last words?
“I drank what?”
Why were the guards at Joan of Arc’s
execution so upset?
They didn’t have any barbeque sauce,
What did the narcotics agents find under
Roseanne Barr’s dress?
Fifty pounds of crack.
Did you hear that someone is suing Dr.
Kevorkian for malpractice?
He saved someone’s life.
Why did Helen Keller use only one hand to
masturbate?
She used the other hand to moan.
Why did Helen Keller have yellow socks?
Her dog was blind too.
How does Sinead O’Connor part her hair?
She squats.
What did the authorities find when they
removed Tammy Faye Baker’s makeup?
Jimmy Hoffa.
What do you call Barbara Streisand’s pubic
hair?
Yentl floss.
Why do Southerners like to eat lamb?
It reminds them of their first date.
How does a redneck feel about a woman’s
sexual maturity?
“After eight, it’s too late.”
or
“If she’s old enough to pee, she’s old
enough for me.”
What’s a redneck virgin?
An eight-year-old who can run faster than
her brothers.
What’s a redneck’s idea of the best place
to pick up girls?
The daycare center.
What does a redneck say after he has sex?
“Thanks, Ma.”
This here’s the story ‘bout a man named
Jed.
The dumb shit never wore a rubber on his
head.
Then one day he was screwing Elly May,
And up from his nuts came a bubble and
spray.
White gold.
Well, the next thing you know, Old Jed is
on the run.
Granny’s chasing him with a big ole’
shotgun.
She said, “In jail is where you ought to
be.”
So he loaded the truck and fled the
county.
Out of the hills that is.
How do you insult a flasher?
“Hey, that looks exactly like a
penis...only smaller.”
Did you hear about the flasher that was
going to retire?
He changed his mind and decided to stick
it out a bit longer.
Did you hear about the dentist that ran a
thriving practice?
He was filling some unusual cavities.
What’s the difference between General
Motors Corporate Headquarters and a cactus?
A cactus has the pricks on the outside.
Why was the chef sad?
He let his meat loaf.
What do you get when you cross a computer
and a prostitute?
A fucking know-it-all.
What do you get when you cross a Cabbage
Patch Doll with the Pillsbury Doughboy?
An ugly fat broad with a yeast infection.
The new cinematic emporium
Is not just a super sensorium,
But a highly effectual, heterosexual
Mutual masturbatorium.
Why are hunters such bad drivers?
They are always loaded.
Why are truck drivers such great lovers?
They deliver.
Why are jugglers such great lovers?
They do it with their balls in the air.
Why are cooks such great lovers?
They have better buns.
Why are policewomen such great lovers?
They have big busts.
Why are chess players such great lovers?
They know how to mate.
Why are doctors such bad lovers?
They always wait until the swelling goes
down.
Why are Kamikazes such bad lovers?
They only do it once.
Why are electricians such great lovers?
They have better equipment.
Why are musicians such bad lovers?
They take notes.
Do old fishermen ever die?
No, they just smell that way.
What’s gray, fifteen feet long, and goes a
hundred miles an hour?
An elephant dildo.
What’s gray and comes in quarts?
An elephant.
What should you do if you see an elephant
coming through your window?
Swim.
What’s the difference between Louie
Anderson and an elephant?
About ten pounds.
What does an elephant use for a tampon?
A sheep.
Did you hear about the elephant who died?
She got toxic sheep syndrome.
What’s the black stuff between an
elephant’s toes?
Slow natives.
How can you tell two elephants have been
screwing in your back yard?
All the trash can liners are gone.
What did the elephant say to the naked
man?
How can you breath through that?
How do you make an elephant fly?
With a very large zipper.
Did you hear about the elephant with
diarrhea?
I don’t know why not, it was all over
town.
What should you do if you come across an
elephant in the jungle?
Wipe it off.
Have you heard about the Rambo Gerbil?
It goes in someone’s ass and comes out
with two of his buddies.
What did one gerbil say to the other
gerbil?
“Let’s go to a gay bar and get
shit-faced.”
What did the brown gerbil at a gay’s house
say to the white gerbil?
“You must be new here.”
How did the homosexual know he was going
to die in six weeks?
He saw a gerbil crawl out of his ass and
see his own shadow.
Have you heard what’s new about Vaseline?
Now the jar labels have pictures of
missing gerbils.
Why did the homosexual go to the hospital?
To have a mole removed.
Where did Richard Gere move after his
gerbil operation?
New Hamster.
A young boy went up to his father and
said, “Can I have five bucks for a gerbil?”
His father said, “Here’s twenty bucks. Get a hooker instead.”
How many animals are in a pair of
pantyhose?
Fifteen. There’s ten little piggies, two
calves, an ass, a beaver, and a fish that no one’s ever found.
What do you call a dog with no hind legs
and steel balls?
Sparky.
Where do doggies go when they die?
Korean restaurants.
What do you call a cat stuck in a blender?
Meow mix.
Why do mice have such small balls?
Hardly any of them know how to dance.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor was surprised.
Have you heard of the Ono Bird?
His legs are two inches long and his
pecker is three inches long and every time he comes in for a landing, he says,
“Oh, no!!”
I’m looking over my dead dog Rover
That I overlooked before.
One leg is severed, one leg is gone,
There’s parts of him scattered all over
the lawn.
No use explaining, the legs remaining
Are under the kitchen floor.
I’m looking over my dead dog Rover
that I overlooked before.
Your breath is so bad you could knock a
buzzard off a shit wagon.
He was hornier than a double-dicked dog.
He got more ass than a toilet seat.
It’s colder than the frost on a champagne
glass.
It’s colder than the pimple on a polar
bear’s ass.
It’s colder than the nipple on a witch’s tit.
It’s colder than a bucket of penguin shit.
Did you hear about the tall man that got
fired?
He was sticking his business in everybody’s nose.
There once was a woman named Alice
Who used a dynamite stick as a phallus.
They found her vagina
In
And her asshole in
What’s the difference between boogers and
broccoli?
Kids won’t eat broccoli.
How do you play Switch?
You put one thumb in your mouth, and one
thumb in your ass, and every ten seconds you switch.
Did you hear about the guy who insulted
the a waitress, then ordered a Bloody Mary?
She brought him his drink with the string
still in it.
Is Tampax the best thing on earth?
No but it’s next to the best thing on
earth.
What would JFK be doing if he were alive
today?
Scratching on the inside of his coffin.
What would Elvis Presley be like if he
were on stage today?
He’d stink.
Why doesn’t Kurt Cobaine write any more
songs?
He’s decomposing.
What color are Kurt Cobaine’s eyes.
Blue. One blew this way, and one blew that
way.
How can you tell if your date has been
waiting for you a long time?
He’s standing in a puddle.
There once was a woman named
Whose mother, to save her from sin,
took some shellac
And filled up her crack,
But the boys picked it out with a pin.
What do you call three Broadway singers on
fire?
A torch song trilogy.
What do you call a cop car on fire?
A pig roast.
Grandma’s in the kitchen, fixing up the
batter,
Making pancakes on the dirty, grimy floor.
Her eyes are filled with matter, and it’s
dripping in the batter,
And snot keeps running from her nose.
If the thing between a woman’s leg is a
vagina, then what’s a cunt?
The rest of her.
Why don’t single women fart?
Because they don’t have assholes until
they get married.
Why did God give women a vagina?
So men would talk to them.
What do you say to someone who’s into
necrophilia, bestiality, and sadism?
I think you’re beating a dead horse.
What did Red Riding Hood say when the wolf
threatened to eat her?
“Eat, eat, eat. Doesn’t anyone fuck
anymore?”
How do you get three little old ladies to
say “Fuck!”?
Have another little old lady shout,
“Bingo!”
She was riding down the highway doing
ninety miles an hour.
When the chain on her motorcycle broke.
Well, they found her in the grass
With the muffler up her ass
And her tities playing “
What did the teenager say when he flunked
sex education?
“That fucking teacher. I’m should kick her in the balls!”
Why did the fly stop landing on the toilet
seat?
He kept getting pissed off.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball
court?
He heard the referee was blowing fowls.
What’s the difference between Rock Hudson
and The President?
The President’s aides haven’t killed him
yet.
Why are researchers having such a hard
time finding a cure for AIDS?
They can’t get their lab mice to butt
fuck.
How many Somalis can you get into a phone
booth?
All of them.
What special feature does the McDonald’s
in
A crawl up window.
How dry I am, how wet I’ll be
If I don’t find the bathroom key.
Mary had a little watch,
She swallowed it one day,
And now she’s taking laxatives to pass the
time away.
But as the days went on and on
The watch refused to pass.
So if you want to know the time,
Just look up Mary’s ass.
A man went to see his doctor because he
was having trouble with his bowels. The doctor asked “Do you have regular bowel
movements?”
“Yes,” the man said, “every morning at
“Well, then, what’s the problem?”
“I don’t get up until
Did you hear that diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in the family.
Just when I thought I had some sense,
I stuck my dick in an electric fence.
All the hair burned off my balls,
Then I shit in my overalls.
How many figs would a fig-plucker pluck
If a fig-plucker could pluck figs?
Who was the city guy who shot the city
sheriff?
A young man went up to his father and
asked, “Can I have 20 bucks for a blow job?”
His father said, “I don’t know. Are you
any good.”
Do you know what mothballs smell like?
How did you get their legs apart?
What is the quickest way to circumcise a
politician?
Put broken glass in his aides ass.
How do you explain physics to a perverted
man?
“The heat of the meat plus the mass of the
ass equals the angle of the dangle.”
What do dildos and soybeans have in
common?
They’re both meat substitutes.
What do you do with a woman who drinks?
Liquor.
What did the woman say to her swimming
instructor?
“Will I really drown if you take your
finger out?”
What did one testicle say to the other?
“Don’t mind that asshole behind you. We’re working for the prick up front.”
What do you call a warehouse of vibrators?
Toys for twats.
Where does a necrophiliac go to pick up
women?
A funeral home.
What’s a necrophiliacs favorite movie?
“Night of the Living Dead”
What did the literary agent say to the
other literary agent in the same bed?
“This wife-swapping was a good idea. I
hope our wives are hitting it off.”
Why did the lumber truck stop?
To let the lumber jack off.
LOVE _
Did you hear about the guy from
How do you know when you're staying in a
How can you tell if a
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age
in
What do they call rerun of "Hee Haw" in
Where was the toothbrush invented?
An
Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
A new law recently passed in
This is from the Onion. You can find a lot more like
this at TheOnion.com:
HEROIC PETA COMMANDOS KILL 49, SAVE
RABBIT
NORFOLK, VA--In what has
been dubbed the most "devastating and brutal siege in the history of
animal-rights activism," an elite, paramilitary squad of commandos from
People For The Ethical Treatment Of Animals (PETA) attacked and killed 49
employees at Couture Cosmetics' Norfolk, VA, research facility while saving a
rabbit during a daring midnight raid Monday.
"Never in my life, not even during my tour of duty
in
According to the handful of survivors of the raid,
Couture workers were first immobilized by gunshot wounds to the knees before
being shot execution-style in the back of the head. PETA officials assured that
no animals were harmed during the destruction of the complex.
The rabbit, a floppy-eared,
speckled gray longhair with an adorable pink nose, was being used by Couture as
part of an eyeshadow-allergy research project at the time of the rescue.
"Look at the cute bunny," said PETA commando
Shirley "No Mercy" Dorn, a Norfolk-area petcare volunteer and leader
of the PETA strike force. Lovingly cradling the rescued rabbit as she walked
past the charred and dismembered bodies of its captors, she added, "Look
at his nose! Look at his nose!"
In addition to the 49 executed, some 150 other animal
researchers were savagely beaten. "They're lucky they escaped with their
lives," PETA field
Adressing the rabbit, Saunders continued: "Who's got
a little powder-puff tail? Who? Who? Oh, yes, you do! Oh, yes, you have
a furry little puffy-tail!"
She then fed the rabbit a carrot, causing its adorable
pink nose to wiggle up and down, up and down as it chewed, making cute little
chewy-faces.
In a statement released Tuesday, Couture Cosmetics
maintained that, though the rabbit in question was being used for research
purposes, the company has adhered to a strict "cruelty-free" policy
since 1992, and that the rabbit was "at no time subjected to any pain or
discomfort."
"That old line? Don't try handing us that,"
Saunders said in response. "Those filthy barbarians probably were sticking
Mr. Bunny with needles and all sorts of things. They were human garbage who got
exactly what they deserved: swift, merciless extermination at the hands of
trained professionals." Turning her attention to the rabbit, she added,
"Didn't they? Didn't they?"
In addition to liberating the rabbit, PETA commandos
seized an office-cubicle plaque with a picture of a panda bear and the words,
"I Hate Mondays."
"Look at Mr.
Panda-Tummy," PETA operative Warren "Death's Head" Pleth said,
holding the plaque. "Look at Mr. Fatty-Fat Panda Man."
An attempt by the families of the Couture Cosmetics
victims to bury their loved ones was met with equally savage resistance from
PETA commandos, who strafed the mass funeral procession with machine-gun fire
before spraying the cemetery with explosive flaming phosphorous gel, scattering
the assembled mourners and killing seven.
"The holes they were digging in the ground
threatened to disturb the habitat of a native population of moles," an
official PETA statement read, "Moley moley, mole mole. Are you a little
digger? Oh, yes, you are!"
On Tuesday, PETA officials supervised the rabbit's
release back into the wild where, within minutes, it was chased down, torn to
pieces and fully devoured by a fox.
Despite the extreme cruelty of the fox attack, PETA
officials have no plans to take action against the animal. "Foxes are
lovable furry forest friends," PETA president Joy MacInnis said. "Not
like the hairless, human, animal-hating scum who so richly deserve to get their
skulls smashed in with the back end of an automatic weapon."
The average chocolate bar
has eight insects' legs in it.
The average human eats
eight spiders in their lifetime at night.
A rhinoceros horn is made
of compacted hair.
The shortest war in
history was between
A polar bear's skin is
black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.
Elvis had a twin brother
named Garon, who died at birth, which is why Elvis' middle name was spelled
Aron; in honor of his brother.
Dueling is legal in
Donald Duck comics were
banned in
More people are killed by
donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
Stewardesses is the
longest word typed with only the left hand.
Shakespeare invented the
word "assassination" and "bump."
Marilyn Monroe had six
toes.
If you keep a goldfish in
a dark room, it will eventually turn white.
Women blink nearly twice
as much as men.
Right-handed people live,
on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
The sentence, "The
quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English
language.
The name of all the
continents end with the same letter that they start with.
The word
"lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.
TYPEWRITER is the longest
word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.
If the population of
A snail can sleep for
three years. American Airlines saved
$40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in
first-class.
The electric chair was
invented by a dentist.
Did you know you share
your birthday with at least nine million other people in the world.
"I am." is the
shortest complete sentence in the English language.
The longest word in the
English language is 1909 letters long and it refers to a distinct part of
DNA.
Cats have over one
hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about ten.
Our eyes are always the
same size from birth, but our nose and ears
never stop growing.
In every episode of
Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
Feb. 1865 is the only
month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
The Pentagon, in
When it was built in the
1940s, the state of
No word in the English
language rhymes with month.
The cruise liner, Queen
Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it
burns.
There are two credit
cards for every person in the
Cat's urine glows under a
black light.
Leonardo Da Vinci
invented the scissors.
In the last 4000 years,
no new animals have been domesticated.
Babies are born without
knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Nutmeg is extremely
poisonous if injected intravenously.
The most common name in
the world is Mohammed.
Michael Jordan makes more
money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in
One of the reasons
marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the '30s lobbied
against hemp farmers-they saw it as competition.
Only one person in two
billion will live to be 116 or older.
The name Wendy was made
up for the book "Peter Pan."
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
If you fart consistently
for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an
atomic bomb.
The human heart creates
enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
Banging your head against
a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Humans and dolphins are
the only species that have sex for pleasure.
On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
The strongest muscle in
the body is the tongue.
It's impossible to sneeze
with your eyes open.
You can't kill yourself
by holding your breath.
Americans on average eat
18 acres of pizza every day.
Every time you lick a
stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
You are more likely to be
killed by a
In ancient
A crocodile cannot stick
its tongue out. The ant always falls
over on its right side when intoxicated.
Polar bears are
left-handed.
The catfish has over
27,000 taste buds; that makes the catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds.
A cockroach will live
nine days without its head, before it starves to death.
The male praying mantis
cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates
sex by ripping the male's head off.
Some lions mate over 50
times a day. I wanna be a lion.
Butterflies taste with
their feet.
Elephants are the only
animals that can't jump.
An ostrich's eye is
bigger than its brain.
Starfish haven't got
brains.
A pig's orgasm lasts for
30 minutes. I wanna be a pig
A Simple Test For Fun. How Well Do You Think??
Read the question, then try to answer---then check your answer.
WHAT DO YOU PUT IN A TOASTER?
.ANSWER:- BREAD.... IF YOU SAID "TOAST" THEN GIVE UP
NOW AND GO AND FIND YOURSELF A SHOE BOX AS YOU
CAN'T HANDLE LIFE.... IF YOU SAID "BREAD" THEN PLEASE
PROGRESS ON TO QUESTION 2
(Q2) SAY "SILK" 5 TIMES, NOW SPELL "SILK"..WHAT DO COWS
DRINK?
.ANSWER:- "WATER" IF YOU SAID "MILK", THEN MAY I SUGGEST
THAT YOU DO NOT TRY THE NEXT QUESTION, AS IT MAY SEEM
THAT YOUR BRAIN CELL IS OVER-TAXED, YOU NEED A
MAY I SUGGEST CHILDREN'S WORLD?
IF YOU SAID "WATER" THEN YOU MAY GO ONTO QUESTION 3
(Q3) IF A RED HOUSE IS MADE FROM RED BRICKS, A BLUE
HOUSE IS MADE OUT OF BLUE BRICKS, A PINK HOUSE IS MADE
OUT OF PINK BRICKS, A BLACK HOUSE IS MADE OUT OF BLACK
BRICKS....WHAT IS A GREENHOUSE MADE OUT OF?
.ANSWER:- "GLASS" IF YOU SAID "GREEN BRICKS" THEN WHAT
THE HELL ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE READING THESE QUESTIONS!!
IF YOU SAID "GLASS" THEN PLEASE PROGRESS ONTO QUESTION 4
(Q4) 20 YEARS AGO A PLANE IS FLYING AT 20,000 FT, OVER THE
OLD COUNTRY GERMANY WHEN 2 OF THE ENGINES FAIL, THE
PILOT REALIZING THAT THE LAST REMAINING ENGINE WAS
FAILING, HE DECIDES A CRASH LANDING PROCEDURE, BUT
UNFORTUNATELY THE ENGINE FAILS BEFORE TIME AND THE
PLANE CRASHES SMACK BANG IN THE MIDDLE OF "NO MANS
LAND" THE LAND BETWEEN EAST GERMANY AND WEST
GERMANY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BERLIN WALL, .WHERE
WOULD YOU BURY THE SURVIVORS EAST GERMANY, WEST
GERMANY OR IN "NO MANS LAND"? .
ANSWER:- YOU DON'T BURY "SURVIVORS" IF YOU SAID
ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE SENTENCE ABOVE THEN PLEASE
NEVER FLY, YOU MAY CAUSE MORE DAMAGE SHOULD
THE PLANE CRASH!!! IF YOU SAID THE SENTENCE
ABOVE THEN CARRY ON TO QUESTION 5
(Q5) IF ON A CLOCK THE HOUR HAND MOVES 1/60th OF A
DEGREE EVERY MINUTE THEN HOW MANY DEGREES WILL
THE HOUR HAND TRAVEL IN 1 HOUR?
ANSWER:- "1 DEGREE" IF YOU SAID "360 DEGREES", OR
ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE ANSWER, MAY I CONGRATULATE
YOU ON GETTING THIS FAR...BUT BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF,
DO YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE THE LAST AND FINAL QUESTION?
IF YOU SAID "1 DEGREE" THEN PLEASE GO ON TO THE LAST
QUESTION
(Q6) **WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR** YOU ARE DRIVING A
BUS FROM
17 PEOPLE GET ON THE BUS, IN READING 6 PEOPLE GET OFF,
9 PEOPLE GET ON, IN SWINDON 2 PEOPLE GET OFF, 4 PEOPLE
GET ON, IN CARDIFF 11 PEOPLE GET OFF,16 PEOPLE GET ON,
IN SWANSEA 3 PEOPLE GET OFF, 5 PEOPLE GET ON, IN
CARMARTHEN, 6 PEOPLE GET OFF, 3 PEOPLE GET ON THE
BUS THEN PULLS INTO MILFORD HAVEN BUS DEPOT...
WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THE BUS DRIVER?
ANSWER:-"YOUR NAME". READ THE FIRST LINE.
THE ORIGIN OF ENGLISH PHRASES -
ENGLAND IN THE 1500S:
*Most people got married in June because they took their
yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by
June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides
carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
*Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The
man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all
the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children-last of
all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose
someone in it-hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."
*Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with
no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to
get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals
(mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became
slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall
off the roof-hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
*There was nothing to stop things from falling into the
house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where
bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice
clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung
over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy
beds came into existence.
*The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something
other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor." The
wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the
winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the
floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on,
they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the
door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed
in the entranceway-hence, a "threshhold."
*In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a
big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day
they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate
mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would
eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to
get cold overnight and then start over the next day.
Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there
for quite a while-hence the rhyme, "peas porridge hot,
peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
*Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel
quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang
up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that
a man could "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a
little to share with guests and would all sit around
and "chew the fat."
*Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a
high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto
the food, causing lead poisoning and death this happened
most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or
so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
*Most people did not have pewter plates, but had
trenchers, a piece of wood with the middle scooped out
like a bowl. Often trenchers were made from stale bread,
which was so old and hard that they could be used for
quite some time. Trenchers were never washed and a lot
of times worms and mold got into the wood and old bread.
After eating off wormy, moldy trenchers, one would
get "trench mouth."
*Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the
burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and
guests got the top, or "upper crust."
*Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The
combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple
of days. Someone walking along the road would take them
for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid
out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the
family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if
they
would wake up-hence the custom of holding a "wake."
*England is old and small and the local folks started
running out of places to bury people. So they would dig
up coffins and would take the bones to a " bone-house"
and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1
out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on
the inside and they realized they had been burying
people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on
the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and
up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone
would have to sit out in the graveyard! all night
("graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus,
someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered
a "dead ringer." And that's the truth...(and whoever
said that History was boring?)