Humor Page Three

Wear sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now, how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you Imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles In your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss..

Don’t waste your time on Jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes your behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know, still

don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won’t. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected

their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you’ll have a wealthy spouse. But you never knew when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts, and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

INTERNET HUMOR - TWO

What’s a virgin?

Someone who doesn’t give a fuck.

What did the Oriental say to the politician?

“Rottsa ruck with your erection!”

How can you tell if your garden has AIDS?

Your pansies are dying.

How did the Priest get AIDS?

He never cleaned his organ between hims.

What’s the difference between Rock Hudson and The President?

The President’s aides haven’t killed him yet.

Why are researchers having such a hard time finding a cure for AIDS?

They can’t get their lab mice to butt fuck.

How many Somalis can you get into a phone booth?

All of them.

What special feature does the McDonald’s in Somalia have?

A crawl up window.

How dry I am, how wet I’ll be

If I don’t find the bathroom key.

Mary had a little watch,

She swallowed it one day,

And now she’s taking laxatives to pass the time away.

But as the days went on and on

The watch refused to pass.

So if you want to know the time,

Just look up Mary’s ass.

A man went to see his doctor because he was having trouble with his bowels. The doctor asked “Do you have regular bowel movements?”

“Yes,” the man said, “every morning at 7 am.”

“Well, then, what’s the problem?”

“I don’t get up until 8 am.”

Did you hear that diarrhea is hereditary?

It runs in the family.

Just when I thought I had some sense,

I stuck my dick in an electric fence.

All the hair burned off my balls,

Then I shit in my overalls.

How many figs would a fig-plucker pluck

If a fig-plucker could pluck figs?

Who was the city guy who shot the city sheriff?

A young man went up to his father and asked, “Can I have 20 bucks for a blow job?”

His father said, “I don’t know. Are you any good.”

Do you know what mothballs smell like?

How did you get their legs apart?

What is the quickest way to circumcise a politician?

Put broken glass in his aides ass.

How do you explain physics to a perverted man?

“The heat of the meat plus the mass of the ass equals the angle of the dangle.”

What do dildos and soybeans have in common?

They’re both meat substitutes.

What do you do with a woman who drinks?

Liquor.

What did the woman say to her swimming instructor?

“Will I really drown if you take your finger out?”

What did one testicle say to the other?
“Don’t mind that asshole behind you. We’re working for the prick up front.”

What do you call a warehouse of vibrators?

Toys for twats.

Where does a necrophiliac go to pick up women?

A funeral home.

What’s a necrophiliacs favorite movie?

“Night of the Living Dead”

What did the literary agent say to the other literary agent in the same bed?

“This wife-swapping was a good idea. I hope our wives are hitting it off.”

Why did the lumber truck stop?

To let the lumber jack off.

THE DEVILS DICTIONARY

By Ambrose Bierce

ARSURDITY: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.

ACADEME: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.

ACADEMY: A modern school where football is taught.

ACCIDENT: An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable natural laws.

ACQUAINTANCE: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.

ADHERENT: A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects to get.

AMNESTY: The state’s magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.

BAROMETER: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.

BORE: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

BOUNDARY: In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, seperating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other.

COMPULSION: The eloquence of power.

CONGRATULATION: The civility of envy.

CONSERVATIVE: A statesman who is enamored with existing evils, as distinguished from a liberal who wishes to replace them with others.

CONSULT: To seek another’s approval for a course of action already decided on.

COWARD: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.

CYNIC: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.

DISOBEDIENCE: The silver lining to the cloud of servitude.

FLAG: A colored rag borne above troops and hoisted on forts and ships. It appears to serve the same purpose as certain signs that one sees on vacant lots in London-"Rubbish may be shot here."

HEARSE: Death's baby carriage.

IMMIGRANT: An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than another.

KILL: To create a vacancy without nominating a successor.

KILT: A costume worn by Scotsmen in America and Americans in Scotland.

LAWYER: One skilled in circumvention of the law

LIGHTHOUSE: A tall building on the seashore in which the government maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.

MARRIAGE: The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.

OCEAN: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of the world, made for man - who has no gills.

PAINTING: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.

POLITICS: A battle of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.

PRESIDENCY: The greased pig in the field game of American Politics.

RADICALISM: The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today.

Why Did the Chicken

Cross the Road?

Plato: For the greater good.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road. Only in such a manner is the chicken's dominion maintained.

Hippocrates: Because of an excess of black bile and a deficiency of choleric humour.

Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

Salvador Dali: To dance with the Fish.

Darwin: It was the next logical

step after coming down from the trees.

Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.

Epicurus: For fun.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it fuckin’ wanted to! That's the fuckin’ reason!

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What Road?

The Sphinx: You tell me.

Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.

Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. A truly remarkable occurence.

Ronald Reagan: I forget.

Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.

QUESTION: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?

ANSWER: An offer you can’t understand.

Mommy, Mommy! Jokes

I better warn you. These are sick by anyone’s standards.

Consider yourself warned.

son: Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy running away?

mom: Shut up, and help me reload the shotgun!

son: Mommy Mommy! Why are you moaning?

mom: Shut up and keep licking.

son: Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?

mom: Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet.

son: Mommy Mommy! I don't like tomato soup!

mom: Shut up, we only have it once a month.

son: Mommy Mommy! What's an Oedipus complex?

mom: Shut up and kiss me.

son: Mummy, Mummy, what's for dinner?

mom: Shut up and get back in the oven.

son: Mummy, mummy, what's an orgasm?

mom: I don't know dear, ask your father.

son: Mommy, Mommy, I don't like your milk!

mom: Shut up and keep sucking.

daughter: Mommy, Mommy! Why don't I have a big thing like Daddy's between my legs?

mom: You will when you're older, dear!

son: Mommy, Mommy, I don't wanna be a daddy

mom: Shut up and get in bed.

son: Mommy, mommy, what's a nymphomaniac?

mom: Shut up kid and help me get granny off the doorknob.

son: Mommy! Mommy! What's oral sex?

mom: mmmmph mumble mumble mmhhh mmrph mmumble!

son: Mommy, Mommy, I don't want to go to England.

mom: Shut up and keep swimming.

son: Mommy, mommy, I don't want any more hamburger!

mom: Shut up and stick your arms back into the meat grinder.

son: Mummy, Mummy, I don't like grandma.

mom: Well leave her on the side of your plate then.

son: Mommy, mommy, are you sure this is how to learn to swim?

mom: Shut up and get back in the sack!

son: Mommy! Mommy! I don't wanna see grandpa!

mom: Shut up, and keep digging.

son: Mommy, mommy, what is a delinquent child?

mom: Shut up and pass me the crowbar.

son: Mommy, Mommy! Can I play with grandma?

mom: Not today, we already dug her up three times this week.

son: Mommy, Mommy! What's in those CARE packages they send to Africa?

mom: Shut up and get back in the box!

son: Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa's going out!

mom: Well throw some more gasoline on him then.

son: Mommy, Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff?

mom: Shut up, you'll wake your father.

son: Mommy, Mommy! Why's everybody running?

mom: Shut up and reload.

son: Mommy, Mommy! Can I lick the bowl?

mom: Shut up and flush.

son: Mommy, Mommy! There's something in daddy's eye!

mom: Shut up and eat around it.

son: Mommy, Mommy! Daddy puked!

mom: Shut up and get a fork, before your sister gets all the big chunks!

son: Mommy, Mommy! Why can't we get a garbage disposal?

mom: Shut up and chew!

son: Mommy, Mommy! Why can't I play with the other kids?

mom: Shut up and deal.

son: Mommy, Mommy! Can I play in the sandbox?

mom: Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy.

son: Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's on fire!

mom: Shut up and get the marshmallows!

son: Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's running down the street!

mom: Shut up and step on the gas!

son: Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to see Niagara falls!

mom: Shut up and get back in the barrel!

son: Mommy, Mommy! Daddy went through the meat grinder!

mom: Shut up and eat your hamburger!

son: Mommy, Mommy! Is this the way to make pickles?

mom: Shut up and get back in the barrel!

son: Mommy, Mommy! I've lost my fingers!

mom: Shut up and eat your french fries!

son: Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make gingerbread men?

mom: Shut up and get back in the oven.

son: "Come upstairs, son, like a good boy."

mom: "No, Mommy, you'll only throw me down again."

daughter: Mommy, Mommy! I had just my first sexual experience. And it was the guy's first time too. His dick was still in the rubber.

THE WORST THINGS TO SAY TO THE POLICE

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

Bad cop! No donut!

You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?

Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's

nightstand.

I pay your salary!

So, uh, you on the take, or what?

Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around -- that's how far ahead of me they are.

What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.

Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

Here’s a Dave Barry Article I thought was really funny:

Nude table tennis is this year's can't-miss Olympic event

By DAVE BARRY

Every four years, athletes from all over the world gather to compete in an event that truly epitomizes the purity and non-commercialism of amateur sports:

The Coca-Cola IBM John Hancock Visa UPS McDonalds Kodak Panasonic Samsung Sports Illustrated/Time Xerox Olympic Games, brought to you by NBC.

I don't know about you, but I expect to be literally glued to my TV set from the start of the opening ceremonies until the dramatic moment, three weeks later, when the opening ceremonies finally end, and the first actual athletic event (the women's 300-kilometer balloon toss) gets under way. I don't want to miss a single second of the competition! Unless, of course, the competition is won by a foreigner.

I frankly wonder why foreigners are even allowed to compete in the Olympics. They're always messing up the drama for American TV viewers. Like, NBC will broadcast a heartwarming, sentimental, in-depth profile of an American athlete, showing how, through grit and determination, he overcame a disadvantage that would have stymied a lesser person, such as being born without a head. So the American viewers are naturally expecting to see this person win a gold medal -- and then he gets beat by some athlete from some dirtball vowel-impaired nation with a name like ``Gzkmnzksrygyztan'' that doesn't even HAVE McDonalds!

I hate it when that happens, and so do the people at NBC. That's what led to that memorable moment during the 1996 Atlanta games, when the American favorite in the men's 1500-meter hurdles was nearly defeated by a foreigner, who lost only because he had to run the final 250 meters with Bob Costas clinging to his leg.

Yes, the competitive spirit is fierce in the Olympics. It has been this way since way back in 776 B.C., when the ancient Greeks held the first Olympic games, sponsored by Ted's Discount House of Hemlock. In those days, the athletes competed naked, which as you can imagine meant that there was always a large audience, especially for the trampoline event.

In the modern Olympics, of course, the athletes wear clothes, except in table tennis, which is why this sport is never shown on television. Another difference between old and new is that the modern Olympics are strictly governed by the International Olympic Committee, whose members insure the integrity of the games by relentlessly accepting lavish hospitality and gifts from people seeking favors. Unfortunately, in recent years the IOC has been tainted by allegations of bribery, especially after it voted to award the 2004 summer Olympics to a man identified only as ``Big Tony,'' who plans to use them as entertainment at his daughter's wedding.

But this is no time to think of scandal. This is the time to focus on the games now going on in Australia, which is popularly known, because of its location at the bottom of the globe, as ``the Emerald Isle.'' This is an odd place to hold the summer Olympics, because Australia is, believe it or not, just getting out of winter! That's correct: Because Australia is located in the Southern Hemisphere, everything is backwards: When they sing The Twelve Days of Christmas, they start with the part about 12 maids a-milking; and when they tell jokes, the punchline is always ``Knock knock''; and skilled accordion players are worshiped by teenagers as gods.

This exotic locale is the site of the 2000 Olympics, which officially began with the Lighting of the Eternal Olympic Flame. The flame traveled all the way from Atlanta via a torch relay: Runners took turns carrying it across the United States to California, where it was handed to a plucky young amateur swimmer named Timmy, who, as an enthusiastic crowd cheered him on, plunged into the surf and began his epic journey, making it nearly to the end of the Santa Monica pier before the sharks got him, only 7,500 miles short of his goal. So they had to light the Eternal Flame in Sydney with a Bic, the Official Disposable Butane Lighter of the Olympic Games.

Yes, overcoming adversity is what the Olympic spirit is all about. Let us not forget the words of the solemn prayer spoken by the ancient Greek athletes as they prepared to compete: ``Pi epsilon zeta, tau omega, sigma chi'' (literally, ``I hope somebody invents some kind of supporter'').

NEXT WEEK IN OUR CONTINUING IN-DEPTH OLYMPIC COVERAGE: Kangaroos on Heroin.

The Philosopher's Drinking Song

(From Monty Python’s

Flying Circus)

Immanuel Kant was a real piss-ant who was very rarely stable

Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy begger who could think you under the table

David Hume could out consume Schoppenhauer and Hegel

And Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just a sloshed as Schlegel

There's nothing Neitzche couldn't teach 'ya 'bout the raising of the wrist

Socrates himself was permanently pissed.

John Stewart Mill of his own free will, after half a pint of shanty was particularly ill

Plato they say could stick it away, 'alf a crate of whisky every day!

Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle

And Hobbes was fond of his dram

And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink therefore I am"

Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed;

A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed!

Baby Boomers -

Then and Now

Then: Killer Weed

Now: Weed Killer

Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine

Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine

Then: Hoping for a BMW

Now: Hoping for a BM

Then: The Grateful Dead

Now: Dr. Kevorkian

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint

Now: Getting a new hip joint

Then: Moving to California because it's cool

Now: Moving to California because it's warm

Then: Being called into the principal's office

Now: Storming into the principal's office

Then: Peace Sign

Now: Mercedes Logo

Then: OJ, cutting & slashing

Now: OJ, cutting & slashing

Then: Getting your head stoned

Now: Getting your headstone

Then: "The Making of the President" Now: The making of the President Then: "Going blind"

Now: REALLY going blind

Then: Long hair

Now: Longing for hair

Then: Acid rock

Now: Acid reflux

Then: Worrying about no one coming to your party

Now: Worrying about no one coming to your funeral

Then: President Johnson

Now: The President's johnson

Then: Fighting to get rid of the lying President

Now: Fighting to keep the lying President Then: The perfect high

Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund Then: Elvis in the army

Now: Elvis in a UFO

Then: Swallowing acid

Now: Swallowing antacid

Then: You're growing pot

Now: Your growing pot

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents

Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

Then: Passing the driving test

Now: Passing the vision test

Then: Seeds and stems

Now: Roughage

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints Now: Popping joints

Then: Whatever?

Now: Depends

Then: "Off the pigs"

Now: "No bacon please, I am watching my cholesterol"

Then: Ommmmmm

Now: Ummmmm

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel

Now: Our president's struggle with

fidelity

The following is one of those things that fly around the internet. No one knows who writes them, but they land on your doorstep almost daily. Some are worth keeping, and repeating.
Make Life Simple

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

Philosophy of Life
Author unknown.

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.

I doubt, therefore I might be.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

INTERNET HUMOR - THREE

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice -Mike to satisfy the female gorilla. So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla--for five hundred bucks?

Mike replied that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter over.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her."

"Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third?

"Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."

___________________________

One day, while an elephant was walking through the woods, she got a thorn stuck in her foot. She saw an ant passing and asked him to help her get the thorn out.

The ant asked, "What do I get in return?"

The elephant replied, "If you get it out, I'll have sex with you."

So the ant gets busy taking the thorn out. When he finally gets it out he looks up at the elephant and says "OK it's out, are you ready?".

The elephant thinks, "Hey, what's a little ant gonna do anyways?" The ant climbs up and starts to work away. Just then a monkey overhead drops a coconut on the elephant's head.

"Ouch" screams the elephant, and the ant responds, "Yeah take it all bitch."

_______________________

A farmer wants to get his two female pigs pregnant but he can't afford the stud service so he goes to the Vet.

Farmer- " Hey doc I've got these two pigs I want to breed but I can't afford to stud 'em, is there anything cheaper?"

Vet- " Well there's artificial insemination - Blah Blah Blah " He goes on to describe some pretty expensive procedures all of which are out of the farmer's price range.

Farmer- " No none of that stuff will do, Its too expensive, anything else?"

Vet- " Well, not many people know this but human DNA is close enough to pig DNA to produce offspring. Here's what you do - take your pigs out at night, load them in your pick-up, take them out to the fields and have sex with them. No one will know what you're up to and you'll get them pregnant."

Farmer- " How will I know they're pregnant?"

Vet- " If they're pregnant, they'll be lying in the shade the next day."

So the farmer follows the advice and that night he struggles to put the pigs in the truck, drives out, porks them, and drives back later that night.

The next day the pigs are just standing around. So the next night he does it all over again only he porks each one twice and drives back even more tired. Next day - nothing , they're just walking around. So he goes out again, porks them three times each and comes back in more worn out than ever.

This goes on for the rest of the week and by Saturday the farmer is too tired to get out of bed so he asks his wife to get up and look outside at the pigs.

Farmer- " What are the pigs doing dear?"

Wife- " I don't know, one of them is jumping up and down in the back of the truck and the other is blowing the horn."

_______________________

A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.

A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I'll do you in the ass."

The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do. After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers again and staggers back into town. He's pretty mad.

He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says,

"You know what to do."

Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys a bazooka. Now he's really mad. He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on his back. When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says,

"You're not doing this for the hunting, are you?"

______________________

A lion is drinking from a puddle and his tail is up. A gorilla walks up behind him, seizes the opportunity, and slips the lion a Liberace.

The gorilla takes off, and the lion takes off after him. The gorilla runs into a hunter's camp, jumps into a tent, puts on a safari outfit, a pith helmet, grabs a copy of The Johannesburg Times, sits down, and starts to read.

The lion runs into the camp, sticks his head into the tent, and roars,

" Arrgg! Did a gorilla come through here?"

The gorilla says, "You mean the one that fucked the lion in the ass?"

The lion says, "My God! You mean it's in the paper already?"

An Aussie was marooned on a desert island. His only companions were a male dog and a female koala. The dog and koala hit it off, and for a year the Aussie could only sit and watch while the dog humped the koala senseless.

"Lucky bastard!" thought the Aussie, "I could do with a good shag myself. "

One day a beautiful naked blonde was washed up on the beach.

"Hi. I'll do anything you want me to," she said to the Aussie.

"Great!!! At last, after all this time!!! Take the dog for a walk, love, while I shag this koala."

_____________________

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers.

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."

"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."

_____________________

Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls.

One guy says to the other,

"Man, I sure wish I could do that".

The other guy says, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"

NOTABLE QUOTES:

"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances." Dr. Lee De Forest, inventor of the vacuum tube and father of television.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented." Charles H. Duell,Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

THE POLITICALLY

CORRECT BATTLEFIELD

1) They’re not our enemy, they’re our sociopolitical compliment.

2) We’re not at war, we’re sanctioning with extreme prejudice.

3) We don’t spy, we deal in unreleased information.

4) They’re not casualties, they’re inoperative battle units.

5) We don’t have scouts, we have unauthorized observers.

6) We don’t attack, we aggressively move into pre-occupied territory.

7) We don’t retreat, we reconsolidate at a previously held position.

8) We don’t waste money, we fail to effectively utilize funding.

9) We don’t damage their aircraft, we make unauthorized in-flight modifications.

10) We don’t miss, we fail to effectively engage the target

11) We don’t waste missiles, we run a non-cost-effective equipment exchange.

THE WORLDS

STUPIDEST CRIMINALS

In a small town in Florida the police decided to use their first woman on the force to crack down on the prostitution in the city. The rookie police woman dressed like a prostitute, was wired for sound, then stood

out on the street corner. Soon a car pulled up beside her and the man inside opened the door and she slid into the car. "Are you a cop?," the man questioned. "Do I look like a cop?," the police woman played it cool.

After some discussion the man got around to telling the police woman what he wanted and the police woman asked, "What's in it for me?" The man informed her that he normally only payed fifty dollars but because she was so good to look at he would pay her one hundred dollars.

The police woman leaned back in her seat and said into her hidden microphone, "Fellows, did you hear that? I knew I could make a whole lot more money doing something besides being a cop." The man reacted, "You’re a cop?"

The police woman answered to the affirmative. "Heck if I had known that I would have offered you two hundred bucks, because I've never screwed a cop." "No! But you've been screwed by one now," the police woman said,

"You're under arrest."

This is an excerpt from a magazine called “Good Mousekeeping”, a parody by Ilene Hotchberg, Written from the point of view of a cat. It’s called

CATS WHO IGNORE WOMEN

and the Women Who Love Them

Fluffy is your average cat, if any cat can be described as average. She shares her home with a single woman who leaves for work at 8:00 each weekday morning. For ten blessed hours Fluffy has the run of the apartment, amusing herself in any way she chooses. She eats when she feels like it; looks out the window when she is in the mood; plays with her many toys: the woman’s makeup on the bathroom counter, the glass figurines (oops) on the coffee table, the loose threads on the sofa; and, when all of this activity becomes too exhausting, she naps. You might say that Fluffy has a perfect life. But you would be wrong.

At 6:00 each weekday evening, Fluffy hears the metallic sound of a key in the lock. She must sprint from wherever she is standing (or sitting, or lying) to the safety zone far underneath the woman’s queen-size bed. She must next endure the sight of the woman’s face, pressed against the carpeted floor, blowing kisses, “meowing” (if you can call it that) in her best catlike tones, and beseeching her to come out from under the bed. Fluffy rolls her eyes in disgust. When will this embarrassing display end? Why won’t the woman go away? When will she ever learn that this is no way to win our affection?

Fluffy is not the only cat who must endure revolting demonstrations of affection by the obviously love-starved women who live with them. Their fawning may take many forms, but the result is always the same. We are repulsed by their needy demeanor, and repelled by their lavish show of attention......

The rest of the piece kind of plods along, but it’s basically a very funny book, with fake advertisements for products like: “Clawreal” fur color, “Covercat” mascara, “Mewbelline” rejuvenating make-up, “Catscade” dishwashing liquid, as well as interviews with Garfield, Morris the Cat, and Mouser Stewart. At $13 dollars it’s a bit steep, but it does make a great conversation piece to leave on the dining room table. -

LIMERICKS

Here are some limericks I got from a book called “Improper Limericks”

They were written by a psychologist named Robert W. Birch:

There once was a girl from the city

whose face was really quite pretty,

but she hid what was best,

her exceptional chest

and that was most surely a pity.

In a convertible she was quite brash,

so she put her feet up on the dash.

As a trucker drove by

her bare crotch caught his eye,

and four people were killed in the crash.

A girl from the city of Wheeling

took a pose most would find quite appealing

she’d lay flat on her back

exposing her crack

with her feet pointing up to the ceiling.

A handsome young man they called Nick,

claimed an unusually talented dick,

but each would discover

he’s a terrible lover,

and his boast just a horny man’s trick

There was a young army recruit

whose dick could stand up and salute,

but a gay army sarge

gave the man a discharge,

so don’t ask, don’t tell, and don’t shoot!

His dick was really a dilly,

a grand and marvelous willie.

His girl loves to give head,

but usually instead,

he just ends up screwing her silly.

When a candidate lost an election,

his luck took a downward direction.

He seemed quite depressed

and somewhat obsessed,

and could no longer get an erection.

An attractive young woman ice skater

craved a man that did not want to date her

See, she loved a gay blade

so she never got laid

and that’s why she’s a skilled masturbator.

An innocent coed named Sherrie

awoke in the morning quite merry.

At a party last night

to her utter delight,

some lucky young man popped her cherry!

Details of this story are hazy

but involved a guy people called lazy.

He’d recline on his back

and lick his wife’s crack,

but to me that doesn’t seem crazy.

There is a rhythmical verse

that I should more often rehearse,

about a patient in bed

who was given some head

by a horny young practical nurse.

There once was a boy dressed in blue

who went looking for someone to screw.

But a young lady in red

gave such marvelous head

that he just shot his wad and was through.

She lay with her legs slightly spread

reclined seductively there in bed,

without a word spoken

I spread her legs open

and preceded to give her good head.

There once was a hooker who’d gloat

of her talent at giving deep throat

this belle from the south

had a wonderful mouth

but the swallowing caused her to bloat.

There once was a young masturbator

who bought an electric vibrator.

She lost it inside

but the reason she died

was the faulty speed regulator.

There once was a glutton named Fred

who offered a sorority head.

Eating one, then another

he ate the house mother

then quietly collapsed on the bed.

A rugged young man they call Scriber

excels as an Indy car driver

at the end of each race

his wife sits on his face

cause he’s also an expert muff diver.

There once was a farmer named Neville,

whose head, people said, was not level.

He attempted to screw

his neighbor’s young yew

they all said, “He’s possessed by the devil.”

There once was a Sunday school teacher

who decided to screw a small preacher.

She flashed him some thigh,

but her pussy seemed high

so he stood on a chair just to reach her.

There once was a preacher named Morgan

Who preached in the small town of Corgan

but some insinuate

that he did fornicate

with the widow who played the church organ.

Here’s a story that bears much repeating

of a man who had caught his wife cheating.

Oh my God how she did me

but she never hid me

Now all I remembers’ his beating.

There once was a woman named Kate

who had hoped for a really hot date,

but despite lots of kissing

his erection was missing

So next time she’ll just masturbate.

A young man who worked in the garden,

felt the tool in his pants start to harden.

So her grass was not mowed

and her garden not hoed,

But he plowed her and got a fair pardon.

You know about Goldie Locks

and the boy who grew giant beans stalks,

and how Mother Goose

thought that Goldie was loose

just because she let Jack in her box!

There was a young woman named Nancy

who waltzed with a man they called Clancey.

Soon after the dance

he pulled down her pants

and proceeded to tickle her fancy.

A girl who lived high on a hill

went off of her birth control pill,

no need to protect

as one might expect

since she sleeps with a woman named Jill.

She bent over and he came up behind her,

pressing close he preceded to grind her

as he started inside

she ran off to hide

and now he’s unable to find her.

There once was a coed named Annie,

who had a cute little fanny.

A young man in class

fell in love with her ass

adoring each nook and each cranny.

The night started with hot sexual talk,

as they screwed, they lost track of the clock.

Throughout the next day

they continued to play

until neither were able to walk.

A woman who has spoken with pride

of the men that she’s taken inside

has a list of these guys

including their size

so there’s no reason to think that she’s lied.

She was as wild as an old alley cat

and would screw at the drop of a hat,

and when she was through

with the positions she knew

you would think her a skilled acrobat

There once was a man from Champagne

who has earned for himself quite a name

he would always cum twice

so take my advise

don’t compete unless you do the same.

There was a car lover named Beth

who would screw in a classy Corvette.

I do not know whether

it was the car’s leather

or stick shift that got her so wet.

There once was a big man named Wade

who went out with a full figured maid

but they proved much too heavy

for Wade’s beat up Chevy,

and the springs broke before he got laid.

“Just cease what you’re doing and stop,”

yelled a burly, brave big city cop.

With a command that was hardy

he broke up the party

being held at the local porn shop.

There once was a cop they called “Bruiser,”

who the captain considered a loser,

for it seems that this rookie

was addicted to nookie

and would screw in the back of his cruiser.

There is a young bi named Suzanne,

who will climax whenever she can.

It took her a while

to become versatile,

now she’ll come with a woman or man.

A young lady who went on a trip

met a cross-dresser onboard a ship.

He envied her clothes,

So he borrowed her hose,

then put on her silk panties and slip.

There once was a young Catholic lass

who had an incredible ass.

A young man named drew

would smell the church pew

where she sat during 12 o’clock mass.

There once was a young man named Noah,

who raised reptiles in old South Dakota

his wife made a mistake

when she slept with a snake

and gave birth to a 10 foot long boa.

A couple who lived in Carlisle

had not made love in a while

for he liked the back door

but she wanted no more

anal sex was just not her style.

Some men give there girls pretty flowers

but Ned gave his girl golden showers.

To piss in her ear

he had to drink beer

and hold it for 24 hours.

Although I am not one to tattle

on a man who would put on a saddle,

as his wife sat astride

she would smack his backside

with a whip or a large wooden paddle.

There was an old baker named Scholes

who mixed up his dough in glass bowls.

It will not be surprising

that his bread is still rising

but all that gets hard are his rolls.

Grandpa’s dick is undoubtedly fickle,

a typical shriveled old pickle,

because whenever he

feels a strong urge to pee,

the most that comes out is a trickle.

There was a young AOL geek

who e-mailed a hot cybersex freak,

in a chat room he wooed her,

just pretend he screwed her,

but his hard drive was sore for a week.

Was a typical, cyber romance

that put two in a sexual trance

but then each had a gripe

about having to type

with the other hand stuck in their pants.

Online their hot modems connected

in ways they could not have expected,

but his face it did frown

when his hard drive went down

cause his system was virus infected.

In the dung of a large green iguana,

an amoeba once asked, “Do you wanna?”

A yeast cell replied

with the rule that applied,

“No mixing of flora and fauna.”

Tis the purpose of special commissions

to investigate errors and omissions,

but the spokesperson said

that the president’s bed

is reserved for nocturnal emissions.

The dinner was served a la cart,

‘twas refined from the very first start.

But an indiscreet fellow

sneezed into the Jell-o,

then cut loose a horrible fart.

I wonder what Christmas will be,

without merriment, good cheer and glee,

now that Santa’s arrested

because someone protested

that he laid a doll under their tree.

There once was a man from Sioux City,

who squeezed his girlfriend’s perky titty,

but the minuscule size

caught the man by surprise

for a breast man, that’s really a pity.

An attendant was up in the sky,

in an aircraft at least a mile high,

and then in an aisle seat

she stroked a man’s meat,

so that’s really the best airline to fly.

A horny young man from Korea

wined and dined a young girl named Maria,

after wine and much food

she was not in the mood

cause she had a case of diarrhea.

She had sat in a pretty green patch

but now found herself having to scratch.

Poison ivy she got

and she’s itching a lot

poison ivy’s a bad thing to catch.

From inside of an old massage parlor,

you could hear an old prostitute holler.

After sucking his dick

and then turning a trick

the jerk paid her only a dollar.

In the beautiful land of Tibet,

lives a monk with one major regret,

‘twas a night with Ming Ho

that is haunting him so

and a skin rash he’ll never forget.

There once was a woman named Grace

who ran hard in a marathon race.

As she ran through the trees

her pants slid to her knees

so she sat on a waterboy’s face.

This is an excerpt from Dave Barry’s “Complete Guide to Guys”:

TIPS FOR WOMEN
How To Have A Relationship

With A Guy

...Let’s say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out for dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither of them is seeing anyone else.

And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and without thinking, she says it aloud: “Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?”

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: ‘Geeze, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of.’

And Roger is thinking: ‘Gosh. Six months.’

And Elaine is thinking: ‘But hey, I’m not sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward...I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward Children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?’

And Roger is thinking:...‘so that means it was...let’s see... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: ‘He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he’s sensed-even before I sensed it-that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings: He’s afraid of being rejected.’

And Roger is thinking: ‘And I’m going to have them look at that transmission again. I don’t care what those morons say, it’s still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It’s eighty-seven degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieving cretin bastards six hundred dollars.’

And Elaine is thinking: ‘He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be angry too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through all this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure.’

And Roger is thinking: ‘They’ll probably say it’s only a ninety-day warranty. That’s exactly what they’re going to say, the scumbags.

And Elaine is thinking: ‘Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: ‘Warranty? They want a warranty? I’ll give them a goddamn warranty. I’ll take their warranty and stick it right up their...’

“Roger,” Elaine says aloud.

“What?” says Roger, startled.

“Please don’t torture yourself like this,” she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. “Maybe I should never have...Oh God, I feel so...” (She breaks down, sobbing.)

“What?” says Roger.

“I’m such a fool,” Elaine sobs. “I mean, I know there’s no knight. I really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse.”

“There’s no horse?” says Roger.

“You think I’m a fool, don’t you,” Elaine says.

“No!” says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

“It’s just that...It’s that I...I need some time,” Elaine says.

(There is a fifteen second pause while Roger tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

“Yes” he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

“Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?” she says.

“What way?” says Roger?

“That way about time,” says Elaine.

“Oh,” says Roger. “Yes.”

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last, she speaks.)

“Thank you, Roger,” she says.

“Thank you,” says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a tortured, conflicted soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure that there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it. (This is also Roger’s policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racketball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine’s, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: “Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?”

We’re not talking about different wavelengths here. We’re talking about different planets, in completely different solar systems. Elaine cannot communicate meaningfully with Roger about their relationship any more than she can meaningfully play chess with a duck. Because the total sum of Roger’s thinking on this particular topic is as follows:

Huh?

Women have a lot of trouble accepting this. Despite millions of years of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, women are convinced that guys must spend a certain amount of time thinking about their relationship. How could they not? How could a guy see another human being day after day, night after night, sharing countless hours with this person, becoming physically intimate-how can a guy be doing these things and not be thinking about their relationship”

That is what women figure.

They are wrong.

BACK

HOME