Humor Page Two:

- The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the -really- worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)

- Dogs understand what "no" means.

- Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.

- Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.

- Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.

- Dogs think you are a culinary genius.

- You can house train a dog.

- You can force a dog to take a bath.

- Dogs don't correct your stories.

- Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.

- Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.

- Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair.

- Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.

- Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.

- Dogs admit it when they're lost.

- Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.

- Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.

- Dogs take care of their own needs.

- Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.

- Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

- Dogs are nice to your relatives.

HOW DOGS AND MEN

ARE THE SAME

- Both take up too much space on the bed.

- Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

- Both are threatened by their own kind.

- Both like to chew wood.

- Both mark their territory.

- Both are bad at asking you questions.

- Neither tells yout what's bothering them.

- Both tend to smell riper with age.

- The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

- Both have an inordinate fascination with women’s crotches.

- Neither does any dishes.

- Both fart shamelessly.

- Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.

- Both like dominance games.

- Both are suspicious of the postman.

- Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.

- Neither understands what you see in cats.

WHY MEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS

- Men only have two feet to track in mud.

- Men can buy you presents.

- Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.

- Men are a little bit more subtle.

- Men don't eat cat turds on the sly.

- Men open their own cans.

- Dogs have dog breath all the time.

- Men can do math stuff.

- Holiday Inns accept men.

ODE TO THE FOUR LETTER WORDS

By Earl Emmons

Banish the use of the four letter words

Whose meanings are never obscure.

The Angles and Saxons, those bawdy old birds,

Were vulgar, obscene and impure

But cherish the use of the weak-kneed phrase

That never quite says what you mean.

You’d better be known for your hypocrite ways

Than as vulgar, impure, or obscene.

When nature is calling, plain speaking is out;

When ladies, God bless ‘em, are milling about.

You may wee-wee, make water, even empty the glass;

You can powder your nose, even Johnny may pass;

Shake the dew off the lily, see the man ‘bout a dog,

Or when everyone’s soused, it’s condensing the fog

But be pleased to remember, if you would know bliss

That only in Shakespeare do characters piss.

When your dinners are heart with onions and beans,

With garlic and claret and bacon and greens

Your bowels get busy distilling a gas

That Nature insists be permitted to pass.

You are very polite and try to exhale

Without noise or oder (You frequently fail)

Expecting a zephyr. you usually start,

For even a deafer would call it a fart.

You may speak of a ‘movement,’ or sit on a seat

Have a passage, or stool - or simply excrete,

Or say to the others, “I’m going out back”

And groan in pure joy in that smelly old shack.

You can go ‘lay a cable’, or ‘do number two’,

Or sit on the toidy and make a ‘do-do’;

But ladies and men who are socially fit

Under no provocation will go take a shit.

A woman has bosoms, a bust, or a breast,

Those lily-white swellings that bulge ‘neath her vest.

They are towers of ivory, sheaves of new wheat;

In moments of passion ripe apples to eat

You may speak of her nipples as small rings of fire,

With hardly a question of raising her ire.

But by Rabalias’ beard will she ever throw fits

If you speak of them roundly as good honest tits.

It’s a cavern of joy you are thinking of now,

A warm, tender field, just awaiting the plow;

It’s a quivering pigeon, caressing your hand,

or the National Anthem that makes us all stand.

Or perhaps it’s a flower, a grotto, a well

The hope of the world, or a velvety hell;

But friend, heed this warning: beware the affront

Of aping the Saxon; don’t call it a cunt.

Though a lady repel your advance, she’ll be kind

Just as long as you ‘intimate’ what’s on your mind.

You tell her you're hungry, you need to be swung,

You may ask her to see how your etchings are hung

You may mention the ashes that need to be hauled

Put the lid on the saucepan, (“lay” isn’t too bald);

But the moment you’re forthright, get ready to duck,

For the girls isn’t born yet who’ll stand for “Lets fuck!”

So banish the words that Elizabeth used,

When she was a Queen on her throne. The modern maid’s virtue is easily bruised

By four-letter words used all alone.

Let your morals be loose as an alderman’s vest

As long as your language’s use is obscure.

Today, not the act, but the word is the test

Of the vulgar, obscene and impure.

Bill Clinton is at a press conference. A reporter asks him whether hewears boxers or briefs. He pauses a second and then says "Depends"

TOP TEN REASONS WHY

TRICK OR TREATING IS

BETTER THAN SEX

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.

5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2) Less guilt the morning after.

1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

A Lesson in Political Science

SOCIALISM

You have two cows. The government takes one to give to someone else.

COMMUNISM

You have two cows. The government takes both and gives you the milk.

FASCISM

You have two cows. The government takes both and sells you the milk.

NAZISM

You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRACY

You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots one and pours the milk down the drain.
CAPITALISM

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

ANARCHY

steal neighbor's bull, shoot the government.

THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN

MEN AND WOMEN

Relationships:

First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular basis". When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her hert out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us". This is known as the "I love you/I hate you" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There is community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

Sex:

Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the forplay.

Magazines:

Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

Cats:

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Leg Warmers:

Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog, or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

Offspring:

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments, soccer games, romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears, hopes, and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Dressing Up:

A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings, and funerals.

Laundry:

Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul, and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Stype."

Weddings:

When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor Party".

Socks:

Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cute way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds on them, that have a big, fuzzy ball on the back.

Cheerleaders:

Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American. Male cheerleaders are scary.

Eating Out:

...and when the check comes, Mike Dave, Rob, and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

Mirrors:

Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in and shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.

The Telephone:

Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A women can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, come home, call her about the trip and talk for three hours.

Richard Gere:

Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

Madonna:

Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

Plants:

A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

Mustaches:

Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck, Burt Reynolds, and Kevin Kingsley. There are no women who look good with mustaches.

Hats:

Women look good in hats; men look like geeks.

Locker Rooms:

In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex. And not in abstract terms either, they are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

Jewelry:

Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

Sports Arenas:

Simply put, men can always find their way around stadiums and arenas. The women usually end up following men.

Time:

When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game's just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

Conversation:

Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie.", "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size", ... Women, not having this problem, try to initate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. and so on.

Friends:

Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time. Men on a boys' night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "Got any more beer?"

Restrooms:

Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Bob, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"

HOW TO MAINTAIN A

HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY

IN THE WORKPLACE...

1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.

Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.

3) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha.

4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.

6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid.

Call everyone Madge.

7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.

10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."

13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake

in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they

found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "oh you've got to be

faster than that.

15) Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has

withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

THE ZEN OF TIME

To realize the value of one year: Ask a student who has failed a final exam.

To realize the value of one month: Ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.

To realize the value of one week: Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize the value of one hour: Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.

To realize the value of one minute: Ask a person who has missed the train, bus or plane.

To realize the value of one second: Ask a person who has survived an accident.

To realize the value of one millisecond: Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics.

Time waits for no one. Treasure every moment you have. You will treasure it even more when you can share it with someone special.

The Humor of Steven Wright

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.

So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I have two very rare photographs.

One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car.

The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll

give me the other one next year.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're

Shakespeare?

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

Is "tired old cliche" one?

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period.

Every crime ends with a sentence.

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the

prescription ran out.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the

ocean would be if that didn't happen.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out."

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

[Referring to a glass of water:]

I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the

shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the

table would move across the floor to it.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was

locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He

said, "Yes, but not in a row."

IT'S TIME TO TURN YOUR COMPUTER OFF & READ A BOOK WHEN

1. You wake up at 4 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

2. You turn off your computer and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

4. You laugh at people with 14.4-baud modems.

5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.

6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

7. You can't correspond with your brother...he doesn't have a modem.

8. When your e-mail box shows, "no new messages", and you feel really depressed.

9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask.

10. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

12. After reading this message, you immediately e-mail it to a dozen friends!!!

Technical Support Nietzsche Style

When a user is calling in need of help, don't forget that he is a weakling. Only a loser would need to come groveling to you, begging for crumbs of help that may fall from your godlike lips. And he knows that he is a loser in the race of the weak and the strong, that his kind is doomed to extinction. Therefore, show him no mercy. Treat him with the utter contempt that he deserves. It is the law of nature that you should do so.

Key Phrases:

"You aren't very smart, are you?"

"I can't believe you call yourself a programmer!"

"Our product is obviously too complex and advanced for you. Please desist from using it - you are soiling it."

Nevertheless, there may come a time when you actually must help the user, even though he is sucking away your magnificent intellectual vitality with his grotesque, shambling confusion. He is a lower form of life and you must make him feel it, lest he take on ambitions of evolving to your level.

Key Phrases:

"Now I will read aloud the section of the manual that you failed to comprehend."

"You have ignominiously blundered on line 35, committing an error that a Mongoloid programming an abacus would be ashamed of."

"What you've done in your function foo is the coding equivalent of failing to empty your colostomy bag."

Alas, upon occasion there comes a time when it is obvious that the compiler is at fault. This is no reason to let the user feel superior to anyone, however. The design of a compiler is still far beyond his limited mental capacities. His duty is to worship, not criticize.

Key Phrases:

"The inner workings of the compiler are far beyond your antlike comprehension."

"That behavior is described in ANSI specification 21.11.45.7.3 You are familiar with that section, I assume..."

"Our software can behave in that manner only if it has been corrupted by long exposure to users of your caliber."

And finally, a user may eventually want you to code something for him, or send him an example. The user has asked something that is against the laws of nature. Such creatures as himself exist to serve you and not you him. Therefore such a request is impossible and goes against nature. Forget that you ever heard it. A response is not possible.

CONGRESS PASSES

‘AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES’ ACT

WASHINGTON, DC-On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans With No Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and protection for more than 135 million talentless Americans.

The act, signed into law by President Clinton shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory for the millions upon millions of U.S. citizens who lack any real skills or uses.

“Roughly 50 percent of Americans-through no fault of their own-do not possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in America” said Clinton, a longtime ANA supporter.

“Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding, dead-end busywork: xeroxing documents written by others, fulfilling mail-in rebates for Black & Decker toaster ovens, and processing bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these millions of nonabled Americans, the American dream of working hard and moving up through the ranks is simply not a reality.

Under the ‘Americans With No Abilities Act’, more than 25 million important-sounding middle-man positions will be created in the white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an illusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance-based raises and promotions will also be offered to create a sense of upward mobility for even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees.

The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to hire nonabled workers, including tax breaks for those who hire one non-germane worker for every two talented hirees. Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough new measures to prevent discrimination against the nonabled by banning prospective employers from asking such

job-interview questions as, “What can you bring to this organization?” and “Do you have any special skills that would make you an asset to this company?”

“As a nonabled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up with co-workers who have something going for them”,said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as an unessential filing clerk at a Minneapolis tile wholesaler last month because of her lack of notable skills.

“This new law should really help people like me.”

With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz and millions of other talentless, inessential citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Clinton: “It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human beings, to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her lack of value to society, some sort of space to take up in this great nation.”

THE TOP 39 THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERNER SAY:

39. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"

38. Duct tape won't fix that.

37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.

36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

35. We don't keep firearms in this house.

34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

33. You can't feed that to the dog.

32. I thought Graceland was tacky.

31. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.

30. Wrasslin's fake.

29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

28. We're vegetarians.

27. Do you think my hair is too big?

26. I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.

25. Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?

24. Who's Richard Petty?

23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

22. Deer heads detract from the decor.

21. Spitting is such a nasty habit.

20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

19. Trim the fat off that steak.

18. Cappuccino tastes better that espresso.

17. The tires on that truck are too big.

16. I'll have the arugula and ridicchio salad.

15. I've got it all on a floppy disk.

14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

13. Would you like you fish poached or broiled?

12. My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

9. Checkmate.

8. She's too old to be wearing a bikini.

7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

5. I don't have a favorite college team.

4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.

2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

And the #1 thing you would NEVER hear a Southerner say is --

1. Elvis who?

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