HUMOR FROM THE WORLD WIDE WEB
PAGE ONE
Brain Drain
Rules Guys Wished Girls Knew
The Last Thing A Woman Would Ever Say
Topical Limmericks
The Real Lessons In Life
Star Wars Trivia
Internet Humor One
Bumper Stickers
10 Things Men Shouldn't Say In Victoria's Secret
How To Clean Your Mouse
Rejected Childrens Books
Top Ten Signs You're Broke
What We Learn From The Movies
Actual Headlines
Chinese Proverbs:
================
War doesn't determine who right, war determines who left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
Take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet, high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways, going to
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Baseball wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
BRAIN DRAIN
1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
4. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
7. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
8. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
9. Seen it all; can't remember most of it.
10. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
11. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
12. He's not dead; he's electroencephalographically challenged.
13. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
14. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
15. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
16. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
17. Pardon my driving. I am reloading.
18. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how living remains so popular?
19. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
20. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial costs and blamed it on the high cost of living.
21. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
22. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone will be stupid enough to try and pass them all.
23. You can't have everything; where would you put it all?
24. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
25. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
26. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
27. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in the boat all day drinking beer.
28. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries
29. Shin: A device for finding furniture.
30. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in the public schools.
31. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
32. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
33. Everybody lies. But it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
34. I wish the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
35. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
36. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
37. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
Rules Guys Wished Girls Knew
:
1. If you think you're
fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the
toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair.
Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines,
and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present,
again!
5. If you ask a question
you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not
thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask us what
we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel
lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat.
And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than
ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday =3D sports.
It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not a
sport.
12. Anything you wear is
fine. Really.
13. You have enough
clothes.
14. You have too many
shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail.
Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
16. Ask for what you
want. Subtle hints don't work.
17. No, we don't know
what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
18. Most guys own two to
three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which
pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
19. Yes and No are
perfectly acceptable answers.
20. A headache that lasts
for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
21. Your Mom doesn't have
to be our best friend.
22. Foreign films are
best left to foreigners.
23. Check your oil.
24. Don't give us 50
rules when 25 will do.
25. Don't fake it. We'd
rather be ineffective than deceived.
26. It is neither in your
best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
27. Anything we said 6 or
8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void
after 7 days.
28. If you don't dress
like the Victoria Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera
guys. 29. If
something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you
sad and angry, we meant the other one.
30. Let us ogle. If we
don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
31. You can either ask us
to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.
32. Whenever possible,
please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
33. Christopher Columbus
didn't need directions, and neither do we.
34. Women wearing
Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their
chest stared at.
35. Consider golf a
mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
36. Telling us that the
models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty
and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
37. The relationship is
never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out
WOMAN WOULD EVER SAY:
1. Could our relationship be more
physical? I'm tired of just being
friends.
2. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's
easier for me to douche that way.
3. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
4. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
5. Please don't throw that old t-shirt
away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
6. This diamond is way too big.
7. I won't even put my lips on that thing
unless I get to swallow.
8. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
9. Does this make my butt look too small?
10. I'm wrong, you must be right again.
11. I think belching is really sexy.
12. Sure, I'd love for us to have
three-way sex with my best friend.
13. Why don't you go out with your friends
to see the strippers tonight?
14. I could never be with any other man,
but I don't mind at all if you
see other women.
15. I insist that you always put your
mother before me.
16. I love a good cigar after sex.
17. I think we should spend our life
savings and buy a big, old bass
boat.
18. Move over, I'm driving. I love city
traffic.
19. The smell of oil and gas makes me
horny. Let's do it on the
workbench.
20. That porn star Dixie Dynamite sounds
like one heads-up chick. I
wish I could meet her one day.
21. It's so romantic when you pull out and
cum on my back.
22. Let's skip that stage show with Mel
Gibson and go watch the Tyson
fight at a bar.
23. Hey, we didn't have sex last night!
24. That shirt doesn't smell bad enough to
need washing. Wear it
Again today.
25. Your buddies tell the best stories. I
could listen to them all day.
26. I understand.
27. You don't swear enough.
28. I love it when you finger me while you
drive.
29. Let's stay at that dirty, old motel on
the highway. It's cheaper and
we can spend the money we save on beer.
30. Don't fix the toilet, I'll just keep
going in the bushes outside.
31. Sure, you can wear your old cowboy
boots at our wedding. They go with anything.
32. Sleeping with all the guys on the
softball team doesn't make that
girl a slut! She's just really friendly.
33. I farted again. Lift the covers so we
can smell it.
34. Don't dirty a knife or fork, eat with
your hands like me.
35. Oh yeah, any hole you want.
There once was a gal
named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute
like Stravinsky
"Twas "Hail to the Chief"
on this flute made of
beef that
stole the front page from
Kaczynski.
Said Bill Clinton to
young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
Given the choice of how to be blown.
I've learned that you cannot make someone
love you. All you can do is stalk them
and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much you
care, some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build
up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm
for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare
yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep puking long
after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for
what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how hot
and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better
be a lot of money to take its place.
I've learned that sometimes the people you
expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.
I've learned that we shouldn’t ditch bad
friends. Their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
I've learned that no matter how you try to
protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the
local paper.
I've learned that the people you care most
about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just
never go away.
I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they
can't take a joke" in 6 different languages.
STAR WARS TRIVIA
These
were pulled from Mad Magazine:
Q: Where did the Death Star’s thermal exhaust
port lead directly to?
A:
Q: According to Obi Wan, what can have a
strong influence on the weak minded?
A: Scientology.
Q: According to the trailer for The
Phantom Menace, “Every saga has what?”
A: several
licensable characters.
Q: Why were Luke
and Leia hidden at birth, according to Obi Wan?
A: To beat hospital
charges.
Q: Who told Luke
“You can’t hide forever”?
A: Salman Rushdie
Q: Luke was urged to feel what?
A: Obi Wan’s goiter.
Q: Who was described as “being more machine
than man”?
A: Al Gore
Q: What did Luke not know the power of, according
to Darth Vadar?
A: Toy Licenses
Q: By the end of Return of the Jedi,
what was completely destroyed?
A: Mark Hamill’s acting career.
Q: Before any successful attack on the Death
Star could be attempted, what had to be deactivated?
A: The audience’s sense of
plausibility.
Q: What's the difference
between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference
between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: What is it when a man talks
nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.
Q: What is it when a woman
talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.
Q: How can you tell if your
wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same but you get the remote.
Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed
from the waist down?
A: Marriage.
Q: What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A: If
you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
Q: Why is it so hard for women
to find men that are sensitive, caring,
and good-looking?
A: Because those men already
have boyfriends.
Q: What is a man's view of
safe sex?
A: A padded headboard.
Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but
Wearable"
Q: What's the difference between a new husband
and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see
you.
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they
have no intention of driving.
Q: Who is the most popular guy at the nudist
colony?
A: The guy who can carry a cup
of coffee in each hand and a dozen
donuts.
Q: What is the difference
between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive
side.
Q: A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all
in third grade. Who has
the biggest breasts?
A: The
blonde, because she's 18.
Q: Do you know why they call
it the Wonder Bra?
A: When you take it off you
wonder where the breast went.
Q: Do you know the punishment
for bigamy?
A: Two mothers-in-law.
Q. Which sexual position
produces the ugliest children?
A. Ask your mother.
Q. How do you embarrass
an archeologist?
A. Give him a used tampon
and ask him which period it came from.
Q. What did the cannibal do
after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.
Q. What's the difference
between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your
day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q. What's the difference
between a bitch and a whore?
A. A whore sleeps with
everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except
you.
Q. What's the difference
between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and
gargling
Q. What's the difference
between a Catholic wife and a Jewish
wife?
A. A Catholic wife has
real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q. What's the definition
of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a
"quickie," only you do it yourself.
Q. What is the biggest
problem for an
atheist?
A. No one to talk to
during orgasm.
Q. What do you call an
Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A. A mechanic!
Q. Jewish dilemma:
A. Free PORK.
Q. How can you tell which
is the head nurse?
A. The one with the dirty
knees.
Q. Why do men snore when
they lay on their backs?
A. Because their balls
fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock.
Q. The four words most
hated by men during sex?
A. "Is it in yet?"
Q. Three words women hate
to hear when having sex
"Honey, I'm home!"
Q. Did you hear about the
new paint called "Blonde" paint?
A. It's not very bright,
but it spreads easy.
Q. When I die, I want to
die like my grandfather who died
peacefully in his sleep.
A. Not screaming like all
the passengers in his car.
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
Please tell your pants
it's not polite to point.
Never raise your hands to
your kids; it leaves your groin unprotected.
Feel safe tonight ...
Sleep with a cop
GUYS: No shirt, no
service. GALS: No shirt, no charge.
Impotence: Nature's way
of saying "No hard feelings"
I didn't fight my way to
the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
We have enough youth, how
about a Fountain of Smarts?
Axe me bout' Ebonics
Boldly going nowhere
Cat: The other white
meat
Don't be sexist - broads
hate that!
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die
Anyway
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance,
riddle them with bullets
If you lived in your car,
you'd be home by now
WARNING! Driver only
carries $20.00 in ammunition
What has four legs and an
arm? A happy pit bull
I care. I really care.
Now please go away.
I'll trade ten concerned
citizens for one intelligent one
Top ten
things MEN SHOULDN'T say out loud in
#10 "Does this come in children's
sizes?"
#9
"No thanks. Just Sniffing."
#8 "I'll be in the dressing room going
blind."
#7 "Mom will love this."
#6 "Oh the size won't matter. She's
inflatable."
#5 "No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it
here."
#4 "Will you model this for
me???"
#3 "The Miracle What?? This is better than
world peace!!"
#2 "45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up
NAKED anyway!!"
#1 "Oh Honey, you'll never squeeze your fat
ass into that."
This memo is from
an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer
peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious.
“Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement
Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically,
it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this
procedure, replacement of mouse balls
should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding,
determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse.
Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal
procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls
can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using
the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However,
excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball
replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each
replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer
satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of
removing these necessary items."
Barney's Big Erection
Charles Manson Bedtime Stories
The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are
Shot Dead
The Big Book Of Racial Epithets
Barney the Dinosaur Gets Cancer
The Boy Who Died From Eating All His
Vegetables
Good Morning Mr. Hitler!
Curious George And The Colostomy Bag
Clifford the Big Red Dog is Put to Sleep
The Crack House at Pooh Corner
Daddy Has A Dolly In His Pants
Controlling the Playground: Respect
Through Fear
A Children's Guide To Anal Sex
Dr. Mengele's Fun Stuff To Play With Under
The Kitchen Sink
A Field Guide to Infectious Diseases Of
The
David Duke's World of Imagination
Furious George Delivers the Mail
Andrew Dice Clay's Nursery Rhymes For
Little People
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
The Little Big Book of Necrophilia
Testing Home Made Parachutes With Nothing
But Your Household Pets
Marching Songs Of The 3rd Reich
Sing-A-Long Book
Babar Meets the Taxidermist and Becomes a
Piano
The Cat In The Cosmetics Lab
Barney's Bleeding and Nobody Can Help
Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle
Enticing Young Children To Get In Your Car
For Dummies (A Reference For The Rest Of Us)
Let's Meet Idi Amin
John Wayne Gacy's Clown Party Festival
Timmy The Tapeworm and the Barium Enema
James And The Giant Scrotum
Stop It Daddy You're Hurting Me!!! - A
Child's Guide To Incest
The Unabomber Pop-Up Manifesto and
Coloring Book
When Mommy Left Daddy, And What You Did to
Cause It
Where's Martin Bormann?
The Rainy Day Activity Book Of Things You
Can Insert In Your Rectum
Why
Mommy And Daddy Have To Sacrifice You To Satan
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer's Games of
Revenge
The Fluffy Little Kitten And The Pit Bull
Green Eggs And Gonorrhea
Hi Mr. Knife!
The J. Edgar Hoover Dress-Up Book
Joe Camel and The Magic Cancer Stick
The KY Jelly Clubhouse
The Legend of Three-Card Monte
Let's Draw Betty and Veronica Without
Their Clothes On
Let's Visit A Gay Bath House!
The Little Engine That Could Becomes
Intoxicated and Kills Civilians
Little Timmy Goes Though The Windshield
Madeline's Prison Shower Room Adventure
My Sticker Book Of Vaginas (companion to
My Sticker Book Of Penises)
Naptime Orgy In A Pile Of Woobies
Peter Rabbit's Frisky Adventures
A Pictoral History of Circus Geek Suicides
Pop! Goes The Hamster... and Other
Microwave Games
Safe Sex And The Zip-Lock bag
Squeaky The Dolphin and The Canning
Factory
Teddy Bare Gets Undressed
The Tickling Babysitter
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
The Little Engine That Could, If Only That
Damned Gout Would Go Away
Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer
Where In The World Are Daddy's Guns?
Where's Waldo's Weewee?
How Come Grandma Smells Like Piss?
SIGNS YOU’RE BROKE
1. American Express calls and says: "Leave home
without it!"
2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep
breath outside a restaurant.
3. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
4. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a
psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
5. Long distance companies don't call you to switch
anymore.
6. You look at your roommate and see a large fried
chicken in tennis shoes.
7. Your rob Peter...and then rob Paul.
8. You finally clean your house, hoping to find
change.
9. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
10. Your bologna has no first name.
11. You give blood everyday ... just for the orange
juice.
12. Sally Struther's sends you food.
13. McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
14. At communion you go back for seconds.
From
The Movies:
...All telephone numbers
begin with the digits 555.
...It's easy for anyone
to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you
down.
...The ventilation
system of any building is a great hiding place. No one will ever think of
looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building
you want without difficulty.
...You're very likely to
survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a
picture of your sweetheart back home.
...Should you wish to
pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the
language. A German accent will do.
...If your town is threatened
by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will
be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
...A man will show no pain while taking the most
ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
...When paying for a
taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at
random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
...Kitchens don't have
light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge
door and use that light instead.
...If staying in a
haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most
revealing underwear.
...Mothers routinely
cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their
husband and children never have time to eat it.
...The Chief of Police
will always suspend his star detective - or else give him 48 hours to finish
the job.
...A single match will be sufficient to light up a
room the size of RFK Stadium.
...Any person waking
from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
...It is not necessary
to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
...All bombs are fitted
with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when
they're going to go off.
...It is always possible
to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
...A detective can only
solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
...It does not matter if
you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies
will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening
manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
...Police departments
give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately
assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
...When they are alone,
all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
..You can always find a
chainsaw when you need one.
...Any lock can be
picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a
burning building with a child trapped inside.
Include
your Children when Baking Cookies
Something
Went Wrong in Jet Crash
Expert
Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Drunk
Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor
of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer
Bill Dies in House
Iraqi
Head Seeks Arms
Is
There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Stud
Tires Out
Prostitutes
Appeal to Pope
Panda
Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Soviet
Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
British
Left Waffles on
Lung
Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye
Drops off Shelf
Teacher
Strikes Idle Kids
Reagan
Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Squad
Helps Dog Bite Victim
Enraged
Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Plane
Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners
Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile
Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen
Painting Found by Tree
Two
Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Two
Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer
Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never
Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
Drunken
Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
War
Dims Hope for Peace
If
Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold
Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields
Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red
Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Deer
Kill 17,000
Typhoon
Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man
Struck by Lightning Faces
New
Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut
Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids
Make Nutritious Snacks
Arson
Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
British
New
Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man
Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Steals
Clock, Faces Time
